Pleasure

Chapter Fifty-Three

It's almost like I'm in a dream. I don't feel myself but I know I'm there. And so is she, standing there waiting for me. Her hair is brown and silky, stopping at her shoulder blades. Her skin is fair, almost glowing. The pools of green in her eyes sparkle when she gazes at me. Her smile is so soft and innocent, it's like I'm forced to go with her. I want to. I begin to remember the pain I'm in. I remember how much I want it to stop, but I can't stop it myself.

I hear voices speaking softly. I hear a soft wailing noise, like someone crying. I don't hear what they're saying but I look back at her. She no longer looks content. Her lip pokes out slightly as she begins to walk away. I'm so tempted to follow her, but my body won't let me and it makes me angry. Sadness arises within me because I'm frozen and unsatisfied.

"Aria," I hear his voice. It drowns out all background noise and settles me. "I love you so much." I feel myself falling into nothingness, never hitting the ground.

My eyes open to see a bright light above me, and not the kind of light I expected. My breaths are slow and heavy as my vision goes from hazy to clear.

"Aria." I look over to see Jacob holding my hand. I breathe in, unable to respond. He smiles softly, rubbing his thumb on the back of my hand.

"Aria, sweetie." My mom rushes over to me and brushes her hand through my hair. "Honey, are you okay?"

"I'm thirsty." I say with a dry throat. She reaches over to the bedside table and hands me a glass of water. As I'm drinking I realize I'm in a hospital. I see my father standing at the edge of my bed with a worried expression on his face. I know that look. He had the same look when he told me he was going overseas. I know that look.

There's a soft knock on the door and our eyes watch as a woman walks in. She looks at all of us, then her eyes trail to me.

"Aria?" She questions. I nod as my memory begins to come back. She turns to my parents and says, "I was wondering if I could have a moment alone with these two."

My mother looks at me with watery eyes, and squeezes my hand before embracing my dad and walking out. I can feel my heart slowly sinking to the floor below. I look over at Jacob, but his eyes are focused on his hands holding mine. I look back at the woman, feeling almost angry because I feel left out.

"This is never easy, but I regret to inform you that you've had a miscarriage." My eyes flicker but they don't look away. My body starts to shut down as reality seems to slip away from me. She can tell I'm starting to slip away, and the sympathy sets in on her face.

"Ms. Winter we're going to have to put you on medication..." Her voice becomes foggy as a high pitch ringing sound replaces her. I know I'm going into shock and I know I should tell myself to be calm but I can't. I feel my legs. I look under the cover to check if they're still there and notice blood on some of the sheets. I blink up at Jacob, who looks at me with such a serious and damaged expression. He isn't even there. It isn't even him.

"Get out." I cut the woman off, and she looks at me confused. "I said get out!" She doesn't even jump at my words.

"I'll give you some time alone and return later Ms. Winter." She says simply before walking out of the room.

Silence fills the air as I marinate the words she spoke not even five minutes ago. I regret to inform you that you've had a miscarriage. That's not right. It can't be.

"What did I do wrong?" I blurt out without warning. I feel tears sting the back of my eyes and the more I try to fight it the faster they come. "What did I do wrong?" This time they come like a tsunami and I'm forced to bring my hands to my face.

"Nothing. Hey, Aria, this wasn't your fault." Jacob instantly climbs into bed with me. He wraps his arms around my body but I still feel cold. Cold and empty. I have a feeling that won't go away for a while. I hear Jacob sniffle, but I don't catch his eye.

"It's mine really." He mumbles. I look over to him, expressionless. "I stressed you out and I left you and you were so... lost. I did this." He looks at his hands as if there was the blood of our unborn child stained on them. Guilt invades his face and he looks nauseous.

He climbs out of bed and walks over to the window. As usual, it's cloudy and a storm looks like it's approaching. I say nothing. I think nothing. My mind is like a vast desert with no life or beauty, just breeze and clouds and sky and wide cracks and deep empty holes that lead to nothingness. I lost something today and no matter how hard I try, I will never get that back. The pain has only just begun and I know I will feel much worse on cloudier, rainier days.

Jacob turns around and walks back over to me before sitting down in his chair. He looks me dead in the eyes before saying, "You did nothing wrong Aria. You're going to blame yourself and you're going to be angry, but none of this was your doing. And you will get through this, we will. I love you more than anything and that will never change. I promise you that, and the same thing will be said as I'm putting a ring on your finger in front of your family. Aria you are perfect and so strong, stronger than anyone. I'm so lucky to have someone like you in my life."

His words bring my tears back, harder than before. He shuffles around in his pocket until he digs out a piece of paper. He fiddles the paper in between his fingers, looking down at it as if it was the key to the world in all its glory, then hands it to me.

"This is what fell out of your locker earlier and I think you should have a look at it." He bites his bottom lip, letting a tear fall to his chin. He gets up, plants a kiss on my forehead and says he's going to talk to the doctors. With that, he leaves me to the silence of the room and my thoughts. I stare down at the paper for a while before grabbing it and unfolding to see Natalie's handwriting.

Dear Aria,

You're probably thinking 'why me? why now?' I know you're scared right now. I'm scared for you. But I can tell you this; the things we fear the most become our biggest accomplishments. This isn't an easy journey, you're smart and you know that. But I also know you're strong and you're wise and whatever is thrown your way is handled with such knowledge and dignity like I've never seen before. You are one of the bravest people I've ever met Aria Winter. And you may not think you can do this, but I know you can. Everything happens for a reason, I know, as corny as that sounds.

Whenever you find yourself doubting how far you can go, just remember how far you have come. Remember everything you have faced, all the battles you have won, and all the fears you have overcome. "Just when the caterpillar thought the world was ending, it turned into a butterfly."

The End