Pleasure

Chapter Forty-Eight

I watched the liquid travel down the stick and instantly fill in the blue cross. My heart drops and everything in my body shuts down, while I practically go numb. Everything around me seems to block itself out and I'm suddenly surrounded by nothingness. My life now revolves around this. This and this alone. I don't even blink to make sure I'm seeing it correctly. I know it's right. I know I can't deny it, although every fiber in my body wants me to.

Positive.

The factory in my mind begins to turn back on, starting at high speed this time. Am I dreaming? Is this even real? What am I doing? Where am I? This is real. Right? Right. Pull yourself together, you know the answer to every question you asked. My heart starts to beat faster than my mind can catch up and my breaths become short and choppy. I choke on air, nearly coughing up my lung. I feel suffocated and I'm in an empty place. Nothingness is surrounding me so why am I choking? My lungs feel like steel bars are enclosing around them and I don't know why. Then I do what I need to.

I fall on my knees to the ground and begin to cry into my hands. Every tear that's ever been built up in my life is now escaping my eyes, rushing out like a tsunami. My heart crumbles like bread in water. Every leaf falling off my tree into a pit of insanity. Time mocks me as I sit on the bathroom floor and cry. There's nothing more I can do but cry.

I need to get it together. I'm pregnant and I'm falling apart but I have to get it together. Pull yourself together. I wipe my eyes and rub my jeans, still strangling the tiny stick of plastic in my hands. I use the bathroom sink to boost myself from the floor. My center of balance shifts as I wobble back and forth, feeling a million pounds of pressure rush to my head. Pull yourself together, Aria.

What will Jacob think? What will Jacob say? I live off of my parents, I don't have enough to raise a baby. I don't want to tell him but I know I can't keep it a secret. It's his child too. He has a right to know. Just not yet.

I notice that I've been staring at myself the mirror. My eyes are red and puffy, stained with distress and sadness. My mind is a million miles away in a deserted oasis.

"Aria." A voice calls out. I instantly wipe my sadness away, stuffing it into my pocket for better times. I reach for the sink and turn on the water before splashing some onto my face. I fumble for the pregnancy test and shove it into my pocket as well.

"Aria?" Jacob's voice repeats. I open the door and run into his chest, catching the both of us off guard. He chuckles lowly and grabs my shoulders, looking down at me.

"Hi," he says lightly. I try my best to conjure up a smile, but pulling my lips together and forcing them upwards simply hurts.

"You okay?" Jacob questions. If there's anything solid about Jacob, it's that he can tell when I'm lying. It's a blessing and a curse. I don't want him to see through me right now. He'll find out things that will shake his world to the core.

I nod, once again hurting myself to fake a smile. "Yeah."

"What's wrong?"

I shake my head as my eyes wander deeply into his. They're hard but they are still trying to figure me out. I think about the innocence hiding behind the hardness in his eyes. I wonder if he knows already what's on my mind. I wonder if he has me figured out or if I should give up trying.

"I'm just really thinking about this college thing." I lie, pulling my mouth to one side of my face. He studies me for a moment and my heart skips a beat from fear that he knows I'm lying. He chews the inside of his cheek for a moment.

"You'll get in, Aria." He convinces. "And honestly, if not then they're making the biggest mistake of their lives." I smile. He wraps his arms around me and pulls me into his chest. I grip the cloth of his shirt and take in his strong aroma. He smells of wintergreen or peppermint. It's almost overwhelming. "Everything will be just fine." He mumbles into my neck. 

Everything will be just fine.