100 Memories Of You And Me ✔

Moment 3

Moment 3: Wedding thoughts

This is what Aditya thought about during Chulu and Johnathan's wedding

I remember seeing him and knowing that this time it was going to be different. We were in the same circles. Both of us had worked on the same projects and gone out to the same clubs. I hated the way I looked and he wanted to be who he was.

It was the pronouns and the clothes, the lack of expression and the pressure to express it all. I was not attracted to him and he only looked at me when I performed on stage. His gaze, slow, steady, lazy and appreciative but never lustful.

It was the hairy legs, unshaven armpits and the binder that held me together on every other day. I did not have to be more than I wanted to. I was scared, a coward but it was worse as I did not love myself enough to take a stand for me.

So I said, "Yes."

I know it was a lifetime commitment to Rosh and to making this marriage work. It was a commitment I made to him, our parents and all those who watched every crucial step to get me to where I am. There is no doubt that I am successful but I do not think that is something to be proud about as the basis for it is fake.

Then he walked into my lives. He had the justified anger of a guardian angel. He was someone who was sick of hiding, of pretending and he knew I was lying. The confrontation could not wait another moment. I told him because I thought I was never going to see him.

I called him and he picked up the phone and drove the long distance to see me. He was angry, beyond angry and I knew that he thought I had broken Rosh. He had called me out at the wedding when presenting us with a painting, my favourite, the one with the seasons transitioning from summer to winter and back again. An unusually whimsical piece for him. 

"You and I need to talk because Rosh isn't going to listen to me," Johnathan said, ready to uncover my lies and truths.

So we sat down to talk. I was wearing my binder and some of my drag clothing. Male formal wear always made me feel better about a situation as I felt like I was in control then. 

"So what's your story?" he asked me as we both took gulps of boiling tea.

"Nothing really special."

"Bullshit."

I was shocked, no one ever called me out on my lies because I did my duties well. I was the child that most parents convinced their children should be. I got into a good university (on scholarship), played a sport, an instrument, learnt how to cook fabulous meals, clean in record time and still worked in the family corner store growing up.

I did what I had to do to draw attention away from the parts of me that I knew people would not understand. I was so fucking perfect and then Johnathan saw through it all.

"I see the binder through your shirt, you wear male clothes, you try not to use female pronouns when addressing yourself, you prefer to be called 'Adit'."

I put my cup down and crossed my legs. I did not know how he picked it up because Rosh was the only person who I had ever told. This marriage was for both of our sanity. I carded my hands through my short hair, loving the freedom it gave me.

I was strong, stronger than I had ever been. Being married helped with my confidence. It was just another pit stop. I was not cruel enough to say it aloud. But having him there staring at me made me feel uncomfortable with myself and how far I had come. 

"It is just easier this way for everyone. Rosh and I will be able to live without being judged. Being married gives you that kind of freedom."

"Look, I get that, I do but 'Why?'. Do you need to be miserable?"

"I don't know how else to do it. I m okay with being Aditya, as long as Adit gets to live too. I have to, don't you see it?"

My words became frenzied and I more panicked. I knew I hid it well, I knew I was the person everyone perceived. Adit was just a more intimate part of myself that did not need sharing or justification. I was Adit, always had been. It was the burden of Aditya that did not seem to loosen itself until I met Rosh.

I was under no illusion that our relationship would be easy, but I did know it would be freeing. It would be without expectation or pressure.

"Does he know?"

"Rosh knows and you, that is all."

"I still don't understand, I'm going to be supportive though because I've done it before and you need someone on your corner."

"So you don't hate me?" I asked genuinely puzzled.

"No," Johnathan shrugged. "Hating you would be petty and I don't have that fire in me. All I ask is that you come to me, you deserve someone in your corner. The way you choose to live is your choice and from experience, coming out isn't always the best one. You are truthful to yourself Adit and that takes bravery."

"I promise to try and not break Rosh's heart if it means anything to you, I actually want this to work," I said, it was earnest.

I wished I thanked Johnathan more for being in my corner. He was the one who understood what my pregnancy took out of me, how I was slowly cracking behind playing the dutiful wife, mother and employee. He was the person I called when I was scared or angry or worried. Not once did he pressurize me to live the way he thought was right.

So Chulu, you are lucky to have met a person like him. Someone who is patient, watchful but above all caring. He honestly is what keeps us all bound together. But I won't tell you this, not now anyway.