100 Memories Of You And Me ✔

Moment 6

Johnathan's father at the grave

No husband should need to bury their wife. No father should ever bury his son. 

I remember murmuring those words to you when you were tinier and frailer. When you needed me and looked for guidance to make all your decisions. I loved you from the moment I saw the first scan picture. 

I taught you to run for everything life gave you and to embrace yourself. It was the best person you could be. We lost your mom young and it was hard to leave you to work for the country. Sometimes I know you thought I loved our country more than I loved you.

It was not true. I did my part so you could have a safer tomorrow. I thought I gave you a platform to be the best version of what I wanted you to be. It is so wrong. So completely wrong. Yuri was like another son to me. He was polite and well-tempered. Out of all your friends, he was my favourite and had my respect.

He also showed me how much you no longer needed me. He moved around your space confident and assured of his position. Exactly like your mother moved in mine. Like she belonged right her next to me. Joshua, you gave Yuri the same adoring look I gave your mother and I was scared about how others would treat you. I tried to protect you fiercely only realise I was too late. I drilled you and your sister about safe-sex practices, which many in our town frowned upon. I myself sent you to get tested. Believe me, I grew up differently and saw many a great man fall unrequited. I did not want that for you too. I sent you away not because I wanted to change you but I hoped to make life easier for you.

I never intended for any of my children to work for the military. Life, the life I hoped to create for you, had so many opportunities to chose from. It was the proudest and most heartbreaking day when you came back from camp changed and packed a week later to join the army. I knew I had lost my son. When your sister followed shortly afterwards I wept for the first time since your mother's death, I had lost you both. 

It was Yuri who kept me updated about you. He had moved on and left your love but not your friend. He talked about how much the army meant to you and how you found your place in it just as I had. He spoke in absolute awe at your sister's work. He spoke of the leaders you had become and I could only watch from a distance as you both received awards and recognition for your work. 

Your sister was the first to break. When she got pregnant with Daniel. She was alone, young and broken-hearted.  I swore if I ever met the man that treated her poorly I would rip his limbs. I knew that no one deserved to be treated with contempt your sister broke down in my arms like she did as a child.

Yuri swept in. Not once judging me for pushing you away but monitoring and acting as a messenger and guardian just as he always was to all of us. I hoped Yuri would settle down with Gale. He loved her just as much as he loved you. We all knew that. He did not as he insisted that distance was key to our understanding.

Your sister left me with Daniel not long after. You came knocking at my door. I saw a man filled with strength, wisdom and for a moment I could convince myself our relationship could be salvaged. We barely talked to each other when you were between tours. You came home for Gale and Daniel. To make sure that I preached tolerance to someone who was too young to know anything more than acts of kindness.

Yuri came by less caught up in a girl who deserved him. That was what you told me as I drank away my worries. Alcohol was a good coping mechanism. I felt light and carefree. I knew you preferred me like this. "Mellowed out" as Gale once described.

Then your sister came back from Africa with another bundle. This time I was made to confront another portion of myself. Out of all my grandchildren, Lea was the most like me, even if she looked the least like me. She was not an easy child. Three of us under one roof with two children under two. I couldn't handle Lea for months. I refused to touch her because I was that sure my blood did not run through her veins as well.

It was then it got too much, you left. Disgusted with me and I with myself. We always have to confront ourselves to let go and reinvent ourselves. It was when you drove away that I held Lea in my arms like I meant it. You were good for me, all three of you. Too good for me. 

Your sister moved again. This time with her children. I watched Yuri get married and start a life of his own. I felt the bitterness settle. I was too horrible for you to look back. We were a military family, always have been always will be. Therefore we saw each other because of work whether it be in a war zone or across the dinner table and Yuri made sure everyone knew where everyone else was in life.

Therefore I was surprised when you found someone new. Someone serious. We met by accident shortly after Claire was born. He was younger than you in his twenties compared to your late forties. He sat with his back straight and eyes open on a stack of reports filled with words and numbers.

We were a military family who loved the arts and he was not. He was meticulous and black. His skin dark and the biggest portion of me wondered what on earth you had in common. I sat down at his table and for a moment we said nothing to each other. His eyes were dark but he packed away his work and gave me his full attention. 

"Would you like to have a cup of tea Mr Jones?" 

I nodded slowly. His accent was paced but decidedly not American. I knew I had come in with a lot of prejudice. I was trying hard not to like him. For he had stolen your heart like no other. Without noticing he twirled his wedding ring. A simple band of gold, just like mine and every other Jones man who had ever gotten married. He did not look out of place and I could see from the very first sip of tea from our shared pot that he was unafraid of me. 

"I know you think I am wrong for him." He said to me after preparing my cup.

Milk, no sugar. He drank it exactly like I did. 

"Yes, I did not think he would love anyone but Yuri."

"I like Yuri. He is calm, nice really. But I know I am right for Johnathan."

"Why?" I asked honestly. How could someone be so sure about something like that?

"He used to have an empty fridge before we met. When we read the newspaper in the morning or make coffee he stops to breathe in and feel the moment. I know exactly what he has gone through. Extraction missions. Did Yuri ever tell you I was an extraction mission? You obviously know about the art. How he needs to obsess over the littlest details but ignores everything else.  Those are about him of course you know that is the very essence of his being, from the birthmark behind his neck to the church prayers, he prays before he starts a new endeavour. Those are from you. Are they not."

I opened my mouth to tell Chulu that I did know because I was part of the formulation of that part of his identity.

"Sorry, sir but I am not done. He treats me right, the way any person in a relationship should be treated. We are equals and I know I make him feel like that. There is no war between us and everything between us feel like it is right, Sure we fight, scream at each other when we don't agree but I assure you that we are ok. We foster kids and I think they turn out ok, if not great human beings. The truth is that I never thought that feeling like this would feel ok. That falling in love and out of it a million times a day would feel normal."

He took a sip of his tea. I nodded because he was describing what I always had with your mother. He described what dreams are made of. I did not hate him for that. 

"Will you be there? Is this forever?"

"It is." He nodded simply and we exchanged numbers before going our separate ways. We talked to each other a lot more to each other after that meeting. He never pushed you but he pried me for the side that you alone got to see. 

I knew then you made the right choice. The very best possible choice for yourself. You are my son Johnathan and I could not have asked for a better one. 

A/N: This is officially the very last special of 100MoYaM. Hope you all enjoyed every word.