Surviving me. Becomming my own friend

Here we go again

4-20-14 Happy Easter

It felt like my feet were chained to the floor as I stood before the scale to weigh in. Tomorrow I will start again. I know I can do this. I am bigger than a small truck @ 230 pounds and so very ashamed of myself for getting this way. This heart issue has me depressed and I eat. I eat because I am bored, I eat because Im depressed. I wont bore you all with the whole diet merry-go-round.

Yep size 18 and about 80 pounds overweight. Well tomorrow I will count and log my calories. Tuesday will be a breeze as I have to fat for surgery and I will be sedated after so not a lot of calories.

I really cant wait to have my life back. I am between a rock and a hard place. I feel like since I am not working the house should primarily be my "JOB" but......

I myself am a clean person. I don't make much of a mess. I am in a really f-ed up mood today as I don't deal with drama well. I am missing that hormone I guess. Some woman/girl thrive on it. That's all fine and good till it spills on to my rug right? I have a headache!

Well, today is almost over and tomorrow is a new day. I have 1,000,000,0o00 things to do so I wont have a lot of time to think about the surgery too much.

4-21-14

I am really not sure what happened with the scale? Yesterday it weighed @ 230 this morning 225? I will take it so I am now 5 pounds less depressed.

OK I survived my oatmeal and coffee with milk instead of creamer. I changed my goal from 1.5 lb a week to 1 lb a week giving me an extra 120 calories a day. Don't laugh that's 1 banana not a lot of food.

So I am getting ready for surgery tomorrow . I am nervous but still have to get all my chores done. It is not a matter of wanting to it is out of pure necessity. I cant relax or feel at ease in a dirty house. So with the Dr doing surgery I will be down and out for a day or two. This would be ok if we didn't live in a shoebox. 1 item out of place and you can see it from every room in the house. That drives me crazy.

When I re-did my goals this morning It has now projected my weight loss goal reached in May of next year. Ugghhh my original goal had me at 170 by October.

I probably wont write tomorrow. My head today is so over occupied. My boss sent me a text message implying that I was MILKING this and HOW IMPORTANT IT WAS FOR ME to come back to work. Believe me I want to come back. I would like to go 1 hour without feeling my heart race out of control. I would like to pretend I don't have thousands of dollars in medical bills. I would LOVE to undo the last month of my life and pretend I didn't pass out 2x. The more I think about the text the angrier I get. She was so condescending she actually wrote " I have never heard of a heart issue that took so long to treat and diagnose. She also referred me to talk to another employee about their pacemaker cause it only took 2 days for them to get fixed. I don't feel good knowing I could lose my job over all of this.

Then there is my EX. He after having $20,ooo of MY MONEY to refinance the house 6 months later has still not done so.

Welcome to me the virtual DOORMAT!