Surviving me. Becomming my own friend

Comparatively speaking

9-18-14 weight 210 lost 21

Going as far back as Jr. high school I can remember looking at other girls and comparing my hair, it was too straight. I compared my teeth, they were not straight enough. I compared my body,my arms were too long, butt was too fat, legs not long enough , breast not perky enough and defiantly in my mind I was not pretty enough.

In high school I was the friend that girls other girls politely described me to potential dates with the line "she is smart an has a great sense of humor".

I was even told once by a "best guy friend" I had a lot if those that I was not the girl you date, I was the girl you marry. This in itself should have been flattering but what the hell did it mean?

In my quest to be healthy, and by the way I have to staple my lips from saying the "S" word. SKINNY! I am still struggling with comparing myself physically to other woman.

I know I am smart, funny, artistic, passionate and a great cook. I work hard and keep an immaculate home. in my own right I am MRS. SUZIE frikking homemaker. I am kind, giving and affectionate. this resume of attributes seem impressive but instead of being written in fine point calligraphy on embossed and scented stationary (symbolic for what I want my body to look like). It is scribbled in crayon on a napkin someone blew their nose on just before crumpling it up and throwing it is a waste basket.

(Ok ok I know a bit over the top) I am not that self loathing. I just want you to feel were I am.

So even my own family. There are times I watch them eat their double quarter pounder with cheese supersized French fries and they don't care! They can eat that and the 5 pound I would certainly gain would not phase them in the slightest and I muscle through my grilled chicken salad and yogurt parfait .

Most of the time I am ok but sometimes I feel such jellousy, and resentment because I want a quarter pounder , I want to not give a crap that I am over weight. I would love to sit down and enjoy a meal and not plan the next 5 days of cardio to burn the 5 lbs. I just gained.

I am not mad AT them but all the same feel angry.

Why do I do this. why can't I lay down my attributes upon that napkin embellishing and restoring it's elegance and functionality. Why do I torment and devalue my beauty with such a crude and sick persecution?

Instead of eating this sickness I write it down on what I call surviving me.