Life After You | ✓

09

L I F E 

A F T E R    Y O U 

   ____________________  

It's been one week since you passed, two weeks since the accident. A week of me laying here in my own hospital bed. A week of still no eating. A week of nurses telling me that if I don't start gaining weight soon, the baby could be in danger. A week of me not caring.

I was in complete denial. As far as I was concerned there was no human life growing within me.

There was no happiness inside of me at all and even though I could clearly hear the nurses tell me that I was in fact, pregnant, I still didn't want to accept it.

The thought of having a child alone again scared the living shit out of me. The thought of this child depending on me for everything was enough to keep me from accepting the inevitable. I couldn't care for a child, not now. Not after Landon dying. Not alone.

This child would be half his. This child would share Landon's DNA and would possibly look just like him. How am I supposed to love this baby who reminds me every single day of the one person that I lost? The one person that I will never see again.

When Riley found out, he seemed almost as shocked as I was. He was glad that I wasn't fifteen anymore, and he was glad that the father wasn't Noah Lucas. He tried to tell me how great of an uncle he will be, but I ignored him completely. I blocked out any mention of this baby from anyone who dared mutter a word about it.

Tori was extremely happy at the news, much to my dismay. She told me how she was going to be here for me the entire way through this journey of mine. I wanted to be happy that she offered to help me. I wanted to be happy that I was going to be a mother. I wanted to be happy about anything, but my body and mind refused.

I am going to be discharged today. I am going to finally leave this hospital, once and for all. Of course, I'm under strict rules to start eating again and I've been threatened by Claire that if I don't start eating, she will drag me back to this hospital herself. Both Riley and Tori have promised Claire and my doctor that they will personally see to it that I begin taking care of myself, or they will drag me in themselves. I cringe at the thought.

Claire has been amazing other than the threats. She comes in here every few hours to bring me Oreos, chocolate pudding, Gatorade... anything she thinks I may want. I keep telling her to stop, to not worry about me as I'm sure she has far more important patients to wait on hand and foot, but she disregards my pleads everytime.

When my dad heard the news of my soon to be baby, he told me that he had to stay at work for a few weeks but that as soon as he was cleared, he would be on another plane out here.

Barbara and Brian. I feel horrible. I haven't let them come and visit me once since I was placed into my own room. I couldn't bear the thought of looking them both in the eyes, of seeing the same hurt and despair that coursed through my own veins. They know that I am pregnant with their son's child, and they want to see me before they fly back home... but I just can't do it. I don't want them to see me like this, this vulnerable. I don't want their pity, or their words of encouragement that I know they are preparing to tell me.

All I want is to leave this horrible place, and never look back.

~*~

I slowly lowered myself onto the wheelchair that Claire was standing patiently behind. Once seated, I looked up at her with weary eyes and she gave me a reassuring smile.