The Sea, The Stars, and Luna | ✓ The Watty's 2019

chapter 8

anger sleeping at last

Sebastian

Monday morning came much faster than I had anticipated. It was time to ask my parents to let me stay. I'd been stressing about it all weekend, which wasn't good for my anxiety, which was bound to shoot up any minute. What else is new?

"Mom, Dad, can I talk to you?" I asked, walking into their bedroom. They nodded and sat up. My hands felt clammy and my forehead was damp with sweat. I looked down at my feet and told myself I had to do this. For Adam, but mainly for myself. I couldn't stay in that hospital any longer, it has already been prolonged as it is. For way too long.

"Um... okay. I don't really know how to say this. I'll just ask. Could I please stay home? I really don't want to go back to that hospital. Please." I begged. I could feel myself shaking and I could hear my heart pumping in my ears. It was so hard to focus on one single thing at a time. "I'm so much better. You guys can see that. I know I'm ready."

"Sebastian. I really don't think that's a good idea, or that you're even ready enough to come home," my mom said sadly.

"But why? I haven't had one panic attack since I left the hospital. I was better like a year ago and no one made sure of what I wanted, just what you guys wanted. You know, you guys are being so incredibly selfish and I hope you see that. Especially you, dad. I don't see why you insist on keeping me away." I said, getting a little more fed up than I had hoped. My jaw was clenching and I had to remind myself to breathe.

"Sebastian, please don't argue. It's what's best for you. Please trust us," my dad said, ignoring everything else I'd said.

I looked down at the floor, clenching my fists at my sides. My teeth were grinding and I opened up my hands to look at the red imprints my nails had left behind. The tears brimming my eyes blurred my vision.

"Fine," I said under my breath, with a tear dripping off my chin, "then you guys can tell Adam why I have to go back. I'm not. And good luck explaining it to him, I've already told him that I have been doing better for the past few months. You'll have one heck of a fight on your hands."

I ran out of their room and outside onto the street. My mind began to cloud up, my breaths becoming shallow. I began to run, I didn't know where. The thought of going back to that hospital made me want to kill myself. Funnily enough, not literally.

Tears spilled from my eyes as I ran down the sidewalk, sobbing and gasping for air. I stopped and collapsed underneath a tree and tried to catch my breath. I put my hand on my chest and pushed, grounding myself. This is what my therapist told me to do. You ground yourself, breathe deeply, and think of calming things.

I laid on my back and stared at the sky and thought about Luna. I thought of her eyes, and her smile and her laugh.

My breathing slowed and my lungs burned. Going back to that hospital might just be the worst thing ever. But seeing Luna might make my life a little better. It sounds just crazy. Maybe that's just how my life is. Crazy.

***

"This isn't fair," Adam whispered as he held his arms around me. I felt him trembling.

"I know." I rubbed his back. "It won't be long until I'm old enough. A few more years and I can leave. And I can spend all my time with you."

"I don't want you to go," he cried.

"I'll see you soon." I rubbed the top of his head and pulled away. If I had held on any longer I wouldn't have been able to let go.

"So son, please be careful. Your mother and I will come to pick up the suburban tomorrow. Drive safe," my dad said.

My parents were letting me drive myself to the hospital, then they would come to pick it up later. I'll admit, the thought of not actually returning to the hospital entered my mind, but if I didn't show up the police would be searching for me within seconds. I know they were just doing this because they felt extra guilty this time, and they wanted to ease their minds.

"See you," I said to Adam.

He waved sadly and wiped a tear from his face. My dad stood behind him with a hand on his shoulder, and from what I could see, it wasn't there for much longer.

That goodbye felt harder than the first.