Spring Day

Chapter 6

Your day had been the longest of your life, graduation day. A day supposed to be filled with joy, celebrated with those you loved. You felt no joy and none of the people you loved were here. You sat on your bed, exhaustion from the last 48 hours ripping its way through your body. You stared down at the certificate in your hand. You had worked relentlessly to achieve your degree and now all you had to show for it was this piece of paper. You took several deep breaths to stop yourself from ripping it to tiny pieces right there and then, when this darkness had left you knew you'd regret that decision. You placed the certificate on the bed next to you and stared at your watch. 2.30pm. Namjoon wouldn't be home yet, but his concert would be over. You stood, quickly dressed into your pyjamas and grabbed your iPad. You pulled the covers back from your bed and enveloped yourself in their softness. You rested the iPad up on a pillow and began to search the internet for videos of Namjoon and the boys concert. Even though it was only half an hour later you knew there had to be some already and you needed to kill time until you could call him.

Your fingers twitched in mild excitement as you found a video titled 'Rap Monsters speech.' You clicked the video eagerly and settled further down into your pillows, letting yourself relax just a little. He was there on the screen in front of you, your man, with thousands of other girls screaming for him and his friends. This concept had always make you laugh but in that moment it made your heart hurt more. Why did they get to be so close to him when you couldn't be?

You listened closely, your exhausted brain working over time to translate his fluent and fast Korean. Then your heart stopped and tears filled your eyes at the words he was speaking.

'If I can, I'd like to take a moment to talk to someone who needs my thoughts and all your thoughts right now. A dear friend of mine lost their father today, they need me and I can't be there, so all I can do is send them all your best wishes. Please help me to do that.' The crowd screamed loudly and he bowed low. The words rang out through your empty room, but you still weren't sure you were hearing them right. You rewound the video again and again until you knew the words by heart. You sat up straight, heart pounding. Had he really just asked thousands of people to send there best wishes? You realised his love for you really was endless and silently thanked him for that. You let the video continue past his speech, but the next 10 seconds hit you harder then his words ever could. The camera panned over to Jimin as he began his speech and then back to Namjoon again. He now had his back to the audience, squatting with his head on his arm. You watched as Jin walked over to him, squatted next to him and put his arm round his shaking shoulders. You heart skipped so heavily it almost made you sick. Was he crying? Was he crying because of you? Namjoon always managed to keep his emotions in check on stage, had you been the undoing of that? You touched your own cheeks and found that they were soaked with your own tears. Tears that matched his. You clicked off the video, unable to watch anymore. The pain of being away from him was nothing compared to the pain of watching him like that and not being there. Was this how he'd felt this whole time? Watching your pain from an uncomfortably long distance, hating himself that he couldn't be by your side. Suddenly your phone was ringing beside you and you answered it, subconsciously and numb.

'Hello?' You sobbed, uncaring of who was at the other end.

'Y/N?' It was him, the broken man you had just been watching was now on the other end of the phone and you had no idea what to say. How do you tell someone your sorry for making them cry in front of thousands of people?

'Namjoon,' his name, the only thing you could think to say.

'Are you okay?' He asked, worrying lacing his voice.

'I...' you swallowed and tried again. 'I...' but the words wouldn't come out. You winced at the pain in your chest and it reminded you of the cut on your finger. The pains were one in the same, pains of love, signs that love was there, but that it hurt and cut into you at any opportunity. 'I'm sorry.' You whispered finally, pressing your injured finger with your thumb. 'I'm sorry I upset you.' You added.

'Hmm? What do you mean?' He answered, he obviously assumed you hadn't seen the video.

'I got home early, I watched your concert on YouTube...well...part of it...the part of it...' you swallowed back tears and looked up at the white wash ceiling, trying to distract yourself. 'The bit where you spoke about my dad.'

'Oh, you saw that huh? Sorry. I don't know what got into me, I'm usually so good at keeping up appearances on stage. That explains why you didn't call at 3 too, I was worried.' He replied. You looked up at the clock and realised it was now 3.15pm, had you really been rewatching that video for so long?

'Yeah, sorry.' You whispered and a strange silence fell over the phone. 'Thank you though, thank you for thinking about me, even in the middle of a show.'

'Always,' he replied. 'I rarely think of anything else.' A small smile appeared on your lips. 'Y/N.' He added.

'Yeah?' You answered.

'Bogoshipda.' He said simply. His words shocked you, your conversations were always uttered in English, they had been since the beginning. It was easier that way, he was far better at speaking your native language then you were his.

'I miss you too, so much.' You replied and suddenly you were aware of what he had done. Swapping to Korean had distracted you, forced you to break down the wall you had unknowingly built before this phone call even began. The wall you had begun to build as soon as you had seen his heart break in front of you and thousands of other people. 'I want to come home.' You added, more sure of yourself and of him now.

'Can you?' He asked, seemingly unsure.

'Soon, a few weeks maybe.' You realised the truth behind your own words and your spirits fluttered upwards slightly.

'Good, so how was Graduation?' He asked.

'Terrible,' you replied, the beginnings of laughter in your voice.