Spring Day

Chapter 18

'Dad?' You whispered, stood in front of your fathers resting place. 'What do I do dad?' You were perfectly aware that you were hysterical by now. Your sobs had grown stronger on your walk to the cemetery and you could no longer hold in your pain. 'Why aren't you here to tell me what to do?' You knelt down on the grass and placed your head in your hands.

As much as you hated this place and your reason for visiting it often, it had began to form a very special place in your heart.

The grass was beautiful and green and there were flowers spread everywhere in honour of the many lives that now took rest here. It was set on a hill and you could see what felt like the whole town from here. You supposed it wasn't a bad place for your father to spend the rest of eternity.

'I miss him so much dad, but I can't do this anymore. My heart hurts, all the time. I don't want to hurt anymore.' You sobbed into your hands and all your pain flooded out in your words. Hearing Namjoon's angry voice had brought up every feeling you had experienced in the last couple of months and everything you had been hiding from everyone else and yourself. The concert had made it easier for a time, the fact that you had at least been in his presence for a short time, but there was only much pain that those few minutes could heal.

You could fool every other part of yourself, but you couldn't fool your heart. It was always going to be like this. There was always going to be another tour, another album to produce, another variety show to appear on. Music was Namjoon's life and who were you to deprive him of that? But he was your life, and who was he to deprive you of that either?

You looked up to the stone in front of you where your fathers name was etched and blinked back more tears.

You knew you had to end this before you moved back to Korea. You were beginning to build a life here outside of Namjoon, and part of you wanted that more then anything. You didn't want to follow him around like a shadow for the rest of your life, living as a part of him when he was your whole.

You knew you had to do this now, because you wouldn't be able to look him in the eyes and say the words you so badly needed to say.

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Namjoon walked slowly to the cemetery, he knew the way by heart even though he had never walked the path. So many times had he spoke to you on the phone as you walked this road, it was almost as if he had been walking by your side.

When he finally reached his destination he was struck by its beauty. To him cemetery were places to be sad but this place provoked some weak happiness somewhere in his heart.

He walked the beaten path up the field, but stopped quickly in his tracks when his eyes fell on you.

You were knelt in front of a grave, amongst the grass and flowers, the wind tangled in your hair and some how more beautiful then he had ever seen you. Namjoon stared at you like that from a distance for some time. Again enjoying a moment carved out just for him. Another moment of your ignorance to his presence that he could enjoy just for himself. A moment that made him want to smile, even in the fit of all his rage.

He began to step slowly towards you. He breathed out heavily with each new movement, careful to not disturb you with the sound of his footsteps.

As he drew closer to you he heard your soft sobs and the need to hold you overtook him. He closed the remaining gap between you quickly, a gap that as far as you were aware spanned not mere steps but countries and time zones. He bent down slowly behind you and gently wrapped his arms around you.

You jumped, shocked by the sudden contact. His heart raced as he held you there, and all the anger that he had felt evaporated like a puddle on a hot august day. He was calm, he was happy but he also felt uncontrollably heart broken for reasons he couldn't even begin to explain.

'Namjoon?' You whispered, tears still evident in your voice, as you turned to look at him. 'How? You're....you're here.' You muttered and the tears that you had begun to control fell all over again.

Namjoon let go of you, stood and took a moment to bow a greeting to your fathers grave stone. Grief suddenly hit him. He had met your father a few times a long while ago. He was an incredible and kind man who had always supported Namjoon's relationship with you and he had always seen the love you both shared. Now standing in front of his grave stone Namjoon realised for the first time that he was truly gone, but he swallowed the sickening feeling that the thought gave him, there was another time for that.

You stood instinctively and stared down at the floor, shock swimming in your eyes.

'I'm here.' He repeated your words in his own deep tone and the reality of the words caught him momentarily off guard. He was here right in front of you, and although just like last time there was a time limit on your meeting, he was happy.

But something in your expression told Namjoon that you somehow felt differently. The sparkle of excitement that had been there when he had surprised you at the concert was absent, as was the large grin that had appeared on your face. This time you frowned and couldn't even meet his gaze with your tearful eyes.

'Y/N?' He asked, your name a question in its own right. A question of if he was even allowed to utter it any longer. A question of if that name was even part of him anymore.

He bridged the gap in between you and held your face gently in his hands. Only then did you meet his gaze and your expression broke his heart. Your lip quivered with emotion and your eyebrows were furrowed in confusion. He wondered if it was just because you were so surprised to see him in such an already emotional place or if it was the fact that you didn't actually want to see him at all.

You moved back from his touch, unable to comprehend the fact that he was stood in front of you. Namjoon's heart dropped at the sudden loss of contact and he searched your eyes rapidly for an answer as to why.

' Namjoon...I can't...I...' Words were failing you and he could tell you were struggling. You shook your head and looked down at your own hands. 'It's so different now your here....I don't know what to do...I can't...I still can't..I can't miss you anymore. It hurts...' You had finally grasped your words now that you weren't looking him in the eye but Namjoon honestly wished that you were still speechless. Your words had broken him.

'You can't....I...' Namjoon was at a loss, you had completely disarmed this intelligent man of the weapon he was most skilled with, words.

'I can't do this anymore Namjoon.' You words were suddenly laced with confident certainty, and the need to see his expression over took you. 'I ca....' but you never finished your sentence.

Namjoon had taken your face in his hands once again and had placed his lips on your own. He kissed you gently but desperately, searching for any emotion, any love, anything. He found it in abundance but that only confused him more. Why were you doing this if you still loved him? Why were you planning to leave him if he still provoked such feelings in you?

He moved slowly away from you and placed his forehead against yours.

'Can you please stay with me?'