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quick an: y'all are confused about the last scene of the last chapter? I was intentionally trying to confuse you. well it's because I was attempting to mirror Roxanne's jumbled thoughts and emotions as Rick explained everything to her. this chapter will be that scene again, but in the perspective of Rick's mind. it'll be clearer and have more reasoning behind it all. the character development of Roxanne is behind all of this storyline.. trust me, I know where I'm going with this book LOL.
Rick's eyes moved back and forth from Roxanne's left and right eye. He noted her rigid state and decided to carefully choose his words. "I made a mistake." He spoke slowly. Rox didn't even flinch. This was the first indication that she had already knew what was going on. Somehow she had known. She must have felt it.
"I didn't mean to do it. I was alone. I was vulnerable." Rick continued, but stopped as soon as he saw Roxanne's cheeks began turning into a deep red color.
He had felt something for her. He couldn't put it to words what it was. It wasn't love, for they hadn't had the chance to develop that feeling for each other yet. But it also wasn't just lust. He trusted her. He confided in her. He found her youth appealing. He desired her. He wanted to start a life with her. All these things were strong indications of loving someone, but... Rick didn't... he couldn't believe that someone would fall in love so quickly with someone. Maybe they were soulmates. Or maybe they were just too alike to avoid feeling such a way. "I couldn't hide this from you. And I don't want it to hurt... us." Rick told her.
Roxanne scoffed. "What even are we?" One of her long brows quirked up.
Rick remained silent, for he didn't know their true status. "Exclusive? I suppose not." Rox snapped.
Rick was hurt. He hadn't even told her what had happened, although he didn't need to, and she was already pissed off. "How could you?" Roxanne's voice was still in its monotonous state.
"How could you?" Roxanne repeated over and over and over again, her voice increasing in volume and emotion every time until she was pounding on Rick's chest, screaming at the top of her lungs and sobbing uncontrollably. Rick only blocked her blows, and tried to contain her rage by locking her in his arms.
"I loved you!" She shouted.
Rick's breath faltered for a moment. He didn't expect to hear such a thing. Especially at that moment. Especially because he himself had been contemplating if he loved her. "I'm sorry." He spoke once he realized maybe he did love her after all.
"It's over. After we kill Negan, Kali and I are leaving. And I'll spare you from seeing the face of the woman who didn't satisfy you enough." Roxanne shot up and sped out of the room, leaving Rick in the house alone. What she had said was exactly the opposite of what he wanted. He didn't want her to leave, and he wasn't going to let her leave. He wanted her. He needed her. He realized that only after he made the mistake of sleeping with Michonne while they were gone scavenging for supplies.
Rick ran after Roxanne and managed to stop her before she got too far. He turned her to face him so that he may speak to her while looking directly into her eyes. "I slept with Michonne, okay?! I made a mistake and I regret it. I love you too. I didn't realize I only needed you until after I messed up. I had to tell you. So you know that I'm not a liar. And that I would never keep anything from you." Rick's words spilled out of his mouth as quickly as possible so that Roxanne would be able to hear it all.
Roxanne gulped. She took a deep breath and calmed down. "I don't want you to leave." Rick added.
Roxanne nodded slowly as she diverted her eyes to the ground, avoiding making anymore eye contact with him. "Then I won't leave Alexandria. But this," Roxanne pointed at herself then at Rick, "has to be over. What kind of woman would I be if I stayed?" Roxanne's eyes darkened as she remembered who she was. She remembered she was like Shiva, a fierce and intimidating creature.
Rick let go of his hold on her and nodded, understanding that it was something she had to do. She had to leave him to keep her pride, her class, her self-worth, and her dignity. Without those attributes, she would be nothing and Rick would have never fallen for her in the first place.
