Look Away, Ignore the Pain

Chapter 8: Bloody Hell (Might As Well Use Brit Slang)

~Kaitlynn’s Point of View~

I woke up completely alone, in the dark school courtyard. Everything hurt when I tried to move and I was covered in blood on my face. When I tried to bring my hands to my face to inspect the damage, my shoulder made a popping sound and I let out a shriek from the pain. I moved my head just a bit to see that all of my things were completely scattered around the ground, soaked in the rain water that I haven’t even witnessed. I, too, was completely wet. I was cold and shivering, but couldn’t bring myself to stand up. With great difficulty, I brought my knees to my chest and lay on the wet pavement in a foetus position. I didn’t know what else to do, so I pressed my forehead against my knees and cried. No one was around to hear me, anyways, so I cried loudly. I let everything out and left no tear in my body. When it got really dark, I forced myself to stand up and start walking home, but it was hard and painful to the point of wanting to lie down and give up. I’m sorry for ever being born.  I’m sorry for being alive. I’m sorry for everyone’s troubles because of me. I’m sorry for being a stutter. I’m sorry for being fat, ugly, a cunt, a bitch, a whore, a tomboy… I’m sorry for being alive.

After two hours (it would normally take me about 15 minutes to walk home), I arrived home and quickly went to my room and locked the door behind me before Dad could see how I look.

“Katy?” he asked, his voice strained and worried, from downstairs.

“I’m fine, Dad!” I called out before any question was asked. As much as I wanted to sound believable, I couldn’t. My voice cracked and I was on the edge of tears I thought I let out. “I just had to do something at school before going to London, but I’ll just take a quick shower and come to prepare dinner!” I shouted from my locked bathroom door, again trying to sound like everything was alright.

“It’s past ten at night, Katy. What the hell happened? I was about to call the police.” I swallowed hard and tried not to cry. Dad was now right behind the door. “Are you sure everything’s alright?”

“Y-yeah!” I called out with a huge smile to my voice. “I just lost track of time.” He sighed heavily.

“I’ll make you some dinner.” He said softly and left. “Two more months until she leaves…” he mumbled to himself as he walked away.

“Oi Dad!” I called after him, now very much on the verge of crying. I heard him walking back towards my bathroom. “I’m not hungry, so don’t bother making me anything.” I lied and he sighed again and left. I slid against the door and buried my face in my hands, letting the tears go and wet my cheeks. Even crying hurt me now. There’s still one more kind of pain I’m very much willing to accept right now. I thought and stared at the cabinet in front of me. I reached my sore arm ahead and grabbed my razor. I didn’t even think about anything and before I knew it, I had 36 new cuts on my arms, both arms. I stayed in the bathroom, bleeding into the sink, for God knows how long, but I didn’t care. I couldn’t cry anymore and everything just felt numb to me, even when I cut and touched my bruises. I actually thought about rummaging through the medical cabinet and look for something for the pain, but I couldn’t feel any pain. I still have the pills that knock me out completely. I thought. Maybe Dad has some other kinds of pills. I could just take a look and maybe see… it can’t hurt, can it? I walked out of the bathroom slowly and shakily, after my wrists and arms were as clean as possible, and marched straight to the medical cabinet. Luckily, Dad’s room door was closed, which meant he was asleep. I rummaged through the cabinet hungrily, shining the labels with my mobile screen. I found a few that looked like they would be safe enough for use and grabbed them. Surely Dad wouldn’t miss any of those. He hasn’t looked in this cabinet for months now. I thought to myself as I pressed the two containers to my chest. My bed still seemed messy from this morning, but I didn’t care. I just sat down on the edge of it and lit the small nightlight so that I could read the medicine labels carefully. Actually, I just got tired of reading the warnings and stuff. I mean, they’re all saying the same thing: watch your diet, don’t use without prescription, consult a doctor if some bits and bobs happen, and other shit… who the hell reads the warnings, anyways? Oh well… basically, the medicines I picked out were some pain killers and sleeping pills. It couldn’t be so bad… I mean sleeping pills might help me if I can’t sleep. I shrugged my thoughts away and pulled my journal out.