Look Away, Ignore the Pain

Chapter 19: Sleep, Pills, Serenity - Things I Need

~Kaitlynn’s Point of View~

It has officially been an entire month of doing nothing but lying in my bed, doing nothing but occasionally chatting with Ashton and drifting off to sleep every few hours for a few precious moments. Maybe he’s right... maybe I am insomniac. Maybe there is just something wrong with me. Well, I know there is something wrong with me, but maybe a medical something. I don’t know and I don’t care, nor does anyone else.

There was a knock on the door, so I knew it was Niall. If it was Dad, he would’ve already made his way inside. He never knocks.

“Yeah?” I let Niall in (without getting out of bed).

“It’s locked.” He said simply.

“What? No, it’s not. Ugh hang on…” I grunted and got out to open the door for him. It wasn’t locked and he knew it just as well as I did. “What the hell, Niall?” I snapped.

“I wanted to get you out of bed and look; it worked. Now what’s up?” he took my hand and led me to sit on the bed next to him.

“What do you mean ‘what’s up’?” I asked innocently, but I knew what he meant and he knew I knew.

“Katy, please… you haven’t gotten outta bed since the day we got here. You don’t even come downstairs to eat with us, you don’t talk to anyone, you don’t want to see Mum or Nan or Nana… you don’t even want to go visit Greg. What’s up?” he repeated again, stressing the concern in his voice.

“I’m just really tired. It’s really not that big of a deal.” I shrugged simply.

“You know, I talk to Ash, too…” I looked at him questioningly as a response to his odd statement. “Have you even tried to sleep at all lately?”

“It’s not that easy, Niall…” I mumbled quietly and dropped my head.

“Why? What’s wrong?” he embraced my shoulders tightly and pulled me close to him.  I just leant my head on his shoulder and sat there quietly. “You know you can trust me, right?” he said finally after a few moments of silence.

“It’s not about trusting you. I just can’t sleep. That’s it.” I huffed and buried my face in my hands. “I just can’t sleep…” I muttered quieter now, more to myself than to him.

“I’ve seen you a few times sleeping, though. I mean, you’re asleep almost every time I come to check on you. I was surprised you were awake now, actually.” He said with a surprised tone. I sighed and turned to face away from him.

“I don’t even know what time it is or what day it is.” I muttered quietly.

“It’s about four o’clock now, 14 of August.” He said with a sad expression. I don’t even know why I wasn’t even the slightest bit fazed by that, but I just wasn’t. I didn’t care.

“I’m just tired. I don’t know what’s wrong with me and I’m sorry you have to check up on me all the time. You don’t have to from now on, it’s okay, really. And Dad doesn’t have to come bring me food or drinks all the time, either. I’m fine on my own.” I said quietly and pulled away from Niall a bit so that I could walk around the room for a little.

“How much are you even eating? Katy, every time I go up to your room there are still leftovers on your plate. Honestly, what the hell is going on?” Niall started to get angry and it scared the living shit out of me, so I drew back a little bit, but I tripped on my own feet and fell on my bum. For some odd reason, it just hurt like hell and I hissed in pain. “Are you okay? What happened?”

“I fell, Niall. It happens.” I said in an irritated tone whilst rubbing my bum from the hit.

“It shouldn’t hurt that much, love. What’s going on? Please, Katy. Why are you shutting me out? What aren’t you telling me?” I watched his softened expression carrying a very sad pair of eyes and I just wanted to hug him and cry on his shoulder, but I didn’t let myself. I’m not a child anymore. I shouldn’t just cry on people’s shoulders whenever I feel like crying. For that, I have my solitude and razors. I thought in a harsh and scolding manner and it got me to toughen up my tears.