Maybe I'm Mesmerized

Chapter 4

When we arrive back at the main building, we both look down at our hands and I quickly pull away. It feels wrong, but also right. I don't know. I don't want to get close to anyone. We manage to enter the dining hall without being noticed by the maharishi and I'm thankful that I'm not in trouble for being late. Paul walks towards his friends and sits next to a girl, who I assume is his girlfriend. Why do I feel jealousy at this moment? I need to gather my thoughts when I get back to my room tonight.

I go and dish up some food and find my usual empty table to sit at.

"Hey, why so lonely?" someone asks. I look up and see John Lennon. Can this day get any weirder?

"Being by myself doesn't mean I'm lonely." I retort.

John seems surprised by my quick response. "I'm John." he introduces himself.

"Abigail." I reply.

He sits down at my table. "So Abigail, why are you by yourself then?"

"Because I want to be." I state simply. I realize that probably sounded rude.

"Oh, feisty, are we?" he says. I know he's trying to get a reaction out of me, and it's working.

"Oh, observant, are we?" I snap. Why am I like this? John smiles though as he takes a bite of his dinner. I don't smile. I don't find this funny.

"What brings you here?" he asks.

I don't feel obliged to answer that. "What's it to you?" I ask.

"Just wondering. On a quest to change your life? Learn the secrets of the universe? Trying to get over bad habits? Or maybe your family sent you here so that you learn how to answer questions." he smirks. His sarcastic response makes me furious, but this is a place of peace and I will not ruin that although I know he wants me to embarrass myself. I glance over at Paul, laughing with his girlfriend and I'm filled with even more anger. These two are out to get me. They just want to mock me but I am not having it. With that, I stand up and walk straight back to my room. I knew making friends was a bad idea.

I've cooled off my anger in my room for an hour. Frustration about some guys ruining my trip is getting to me, but I know that anger won't get me anywhere. I get changed into my under garments and climb into bed, trying to think about what happened today.

Paul called me beautiful multiple times and held my hand while walking back to the dining hall even though he has a girlfriend. And I feel guilty about that but I try to reassure myself that he was just being friendly and it's nothing.

Then John, another member of the world famous band, came and told me all the reasons that I am at this retreat, calling me feisty and lonely. I don't know. It's all too weird. I decide that I should forget about it and go to sleep. Tomorrow there will be meditation classes and I want to have full concentration. I am on a mission for inner peace. Not love, right?

I wake up to the sound of the bell in the dining hall going off. I should feel rested, but my dream has left me unsettled. I dreamt about Paul and I. We were laughing and holding hands by the river and I woke up as we were about to kiss. I can't help but hate myself for this. He called me beautiful once and I'm already having dreams about him?

I'm relieved that my dream was ended before we kissed though, at least I think I am...

I get into some comfortable clothes and suddenly I'm reminded of my mom. I've barely contacted her since I left. I decide that I will give her a call when I get back this afternoon after classes.

The day begins with a yoga class on the field. As soon as I see Paul I make sure to go to the other side of the group. I don't want to end up in an awkward situation. The yoga class is relaxing and although I'm trying to focus on the movements my head is spinning with thoughts.

After class, I head to breakfast and unfortunately I am greeted by John Lennon. He stands in front of the table. "Look, I'm sorry if I seemed rude last night. I guess I did go a bit overboard with my comments." he says.

I decide to give a smile. I'd rather not hate each other for the next 5 months. "It's okay, I suppose I also did. Sorry." I say.

"Have you met the rest of my friends yet?" he asks, "Let me introduce them to." Oh no, not more people. I'll probably end up ruining this in someway. "George! Ringo!" he calls across the room and two men stand up and walk over.

"Got a girlfriend Johnny?" George teases. John is not amused.

"George, Ringo, this is my friend, Abigail." he states. George and Ringo each shake my hand and smile.

"Hi." I greet them.

Things seem to be going okay until I see Paul and his girlfriend walk in the hall and I immediately want to get out of there, but Paul walks over.

"Paul," John says, "meet Abigail.".

Paul and I make eye contact. It's almost as if he is thinking the same things I am. He smiles at me with his beautiful warm smile. He really does have a beautiful smile. I, of course, smile back.

Their group finally goes to eat while I leave the hall and get ready for the next class. This class is about the universe and I want to listen but I can't with Paul sitting on the other side of the room, knowing that I dreamt of us kissing. It's consuming me.

The one thing I did hear in this class though was when the maharishi said "One should not focus on what they can and cannot do, but should follow their hearts and let time take it's course.". He seemed to look right at me when he said this.

After this class, I leave as quickly as possible. I can barely breathe in there. I decide I don't have much appetite but pick away at crumbs of food in the dining hall.

Paul seems to be walking over with his girlfriend. In my direction.

"Abby, this is Jane." Paul says. I can't help but melt when he nicknames me Abby. "I thought you two should meet." he says, although I don't think that's actually why he is here.

Jane smiles sweetly. "It's so nice to meet you." she says.

"You too." I answer and shake her hand.

"Oh, Paul, I forgot, I have to go and give my dad a call." she says. Paul smiles at her.

"Okay, no problem, I'll meet you back at the room soon." he replies and she leaves. My heart starts racing. What does he want.

"Abby," he says, sitting down right next to me. "would you like to go on a walk with me this afternoon? I saw a little trail heading into a forest and I'd like to get to know you."

Oh gosh, I can't do this, but my lips say "I'd love to." and I know that today is going to be even more confusing.