Maybe I'm Mesmerized

Chapter 13

I try to ignore what the maharishi said because it's causing a whirling anxiety in my head and I truly don't believe that the maharishi could ever hate anyone. I'm sure it's fine. I mean, he preaches about peace and love and I think that what he was implying when he spoke to me was that I should listen to love, my heart. And my heart is telling me that I really like Paul. This sends back memories of my dream where my dad told me to follow my heart and I decide that I should trust my dad's words of wisdom.
Following my heart means that I should go out with Paul today and ditch classes, but
I'm afraid of things moving too fast. Change is difficult for me and this, certainly, is a big change. It's been about a week and so much has happened. It's crazy.
Maybe I'm thinking about it all in the wrong way. Maybe Paul and I are simply just having some fun. That's all it is right now. Just a fling, like John said, and it will all be over when Jane is back. I know that I don't want it to be just that, but maybe I have to accept that that's all it is.
Paul likes me, that much I know, but I wonder if his sweet words about love are just part of the charm. He will never love me, and I shouldn't ever love him. He has a girlfriend.
It's ironic that while I am having these thoughts, I am proceeding to change my clothes to go 'have fun' with him, whatever he meant by that. I pull my orange sundress over my head and grab my dark green cardigan to keep me from getting cold. After that I slip on the same sandals as I wore the previous day and go back outside, sitting on the balcony and waiting for Paul.
The view is stunning. The perfectly curved mountains and the marshmallow-like clouds that fall down the hills like snow. It reminds me of why I wanted to come to India. I also wanted to come here to meditate, and that isn't going well right now, but I tell myself that I have about 5 months left and plenty of time to do that. Currently, I am on an adventure of learning how to socialise again.
I am so deep into my thoughts and admiring the landscape that I don't notice Paul standing beside the balcony, admiring me.
"That's a beautiful dress and a beautiful lady wearing it." he says sweetly.
I feel a blush on my cheeks but try and hide it by looking at the floor, letting my hair fall across my face. "Thanks, you're not looking too bad yourself." Abigail, stop trying to flirt.
"Ready to go on a little adventure?" he says with excitement.
I nod and notice a bag that he is holding in his hand. "What's in the bag?"
"You'll have to come with me to find out." he teases, putting his other hand out for me to take.
It's now or never, Abby. Make your choice. Are you going to follow your heart or do what's right? Then again, my whole life has been a blur of 'wrong' choices, but I'm still here.
I look at his hand and grin, before grasping it with mine and we begin on our expedition.
We sneak past the people going to get breakfast, making sure to avoid the other band members and their partners at all costs. Usually I would be tired at this time, but Paul's enthusiasm has filled me with energy.
Our attempt at hiding whenever we see a living soul makes us giggle which doesn't help with our hope of being stealthy. Eventually we reach the gate, free from the fear of being caught.
"Where are we going?" I say with a laugh.
Paul doesn't reply though, pulling me down the dirt road for a bit before we reach the forest that we had walked in a few days before. We go past the small meadow where we had almost kissed on that day and continue up the mountain path.
The more we walk, the more my heart rate quickens and I am getting out of breath. We pass tiny mountain streams and colourful flower patches. He really meant adventure when he said it. Finally Paul stops next to a bigger section of river, creating a pool, with a grassy patch beside it, trees still providing shade everywhere. We both sit down and Paul sets his bag down beside us.
"It's beautiful here." I remark, looking up at the trees above me.
He gives my hand a squeeze. "Yeah, it is."
I look around me for a few moments in silence before realising how hot I am from walking through the forest. I take my jersey off and drop it beside me.
"You hot?" Paul asks.
"A bit."
"We could swim?" he suggests eagerly and I glance towards the cool water next to us. It looks so welcoming, but I don't have a costume.
"Can't." I say, "Didn't bring a costume."
"So?" he smirks, giving a cheeky wink.
I playfully hit his arm. "So that means that I have nothing to swim in and therefore I can't swim."
"Oh come on." he says, already pulling his top off and standing up to strip into his boxers.
"Paul!" I exclaim, putting my hands over my eyes. My cheeks are going bright red. I can feel it.
I hear a splash in the water.
"I'm just swimming. If you weren't so embarrassed you could join me... or you could just stay there and continue being hot." he teases.
Hesitantly, I take my hands from my eyes to see him smiling up at me from the water. He can see that I am considering it and decides to egg me on even more.
"Is Abby afraid of the water?" he puts on a pouty face and I give in. I accept his challenge and stand up, pulling my sundress off to leave me in just my underwear. I can feel Paul's eyes on me and think that my cheeks must be scarlet by now.
I paddle into the small pool, the cold water soothing my burning skin, until I am covered up to my neck.
"See, don't you feel much better?" he says and I nod shyly in return, feeling embarrassed that I am swimming in my undergarments in a mountain river with him.
"Hey, why so shy?" he says, moving closer to me, so close until I feel his arm go around my shoulder and our almost naked bodies are touching.
"I wonder, maybe because I'm half naked in a pool up the mountain with you." I blurt out sarcastically and he laughs.
"Well I'm enjoying our little adventure quite a lot." he says into my ear, his hand lowering from my shoulder to my bare waist under the water. His lips touch my neck and I feel them moving around from my shoulder to my jawline.
I feel my heart beating fast with anxiety. I've never been in this position before with a man and it's scaring me. I mean, Paul and I have kissed before but being almost naked, such a vulnerable position, is different and I feel like he might make a move on me. I mean George said that he usually sleeps with most girls within days, but I'm just not ready for that, especially up here in a river. I know that he isn't going to hurt me, but my nerves are just getting the better of me. He seems to notice this. How does he always manage to figure out what I'm feeling?
"You okay?" he asks.
Okay, Abby, just be honest and tell him that you are a weirdo who has never been anywhere near this close to a man before. That doesn't sound silly at all.
"Well, I'm just not... used to this sort of... behaviour." I say, choosing my words carefully, unsure of how to put it.
He smiles. "You mean you're a virgin?" he says and I am surprised that my face isn't melting from the heat I feel in my cheeks right now.
"Well, what did you expect? I hadn't kissed anyone until you." I blurt out feeling like an idiot for reminding him of how innocent he thinks I am.
He laughs, obviously finding my inexperience strange. "That's okay, love. I don't want to do anything you are uncomfortable with." he says and I feel the anxiety leave my chest.
"Thanks." I say awkwardly, feeling completely stupid.
"As long as I'm spending time with you, I'll be happy." he says and I grin at his sweetness. I continue to sit near Paul though and his arm still lingers around my waist, but I'm feeling more comfortable with that now and lean onto his shoulder.
After a few moments, Paul turns to me. "So, you've really never kissed anyone besides me?" he says with a smirk.
My mind flashes to John but I decide that it doesn't count and ignore it. "Yeah." I reply, looking away from him and rolling my eyes with a smile.
"So how far have you gone with a guy?" he continues to tease me.
"Why is so important to you?"
"Because I want to know why nobody has ever stolen a kiss from such a beautiful bird like yourself." he answers with his usual charm.
"Because I don't go out and party every night like most people." I state.
"And why's that?"
"Well, it's a long story, Paul."
"Well, I have plenty of time to listen." he says, gesturing to the spot where we were sitting earlier and we both climb out of the river to sit on the grass and dry off.
I am almost certain that my bra is very see-through right now and again, I can feel Paul looking at me, so as I sit down I drape my green cardigan around me to avoid showing too much skin.
"I'm listening." he says, taking out a cigarette from his bag and lighting it.
I take a deep breath in, unsure of how much detail I'm going to go into. I trust Paul though and I feel like he needs to know the whole truth about me.
"Well, you know my dad died in a car accident. I was in the car with him and after that, I don't know, I carried around a lot of guilt with me for surviving when he hadn't. He was my rock, Paul. He understood me and all my quirks and when he was gone, it was basically the end of the world for me. My mom and I moved to New York and I started finding new friends. My mom went out a lot, I didn't see her much. This is the tricky part which is hard for me to say now." Paul gives me a reassuring glance as I pause and I continue, "So I went straight into a world of drugs that my friends introduced me too." I can see his surprise as I say this, but don't stop speaking, scared that if I do stop, I might never be able to start again. "For a long time, I would go out to my friends houses and get drunk out of my mind, I guess it was my way of coping with my dad's death. Then my mom banned me from seeing them, said they were a bad influence on me. So I isolated myself, stayed in my room to stay away from everyone, only leaving to fetch alcohol, cigarettes and drugs. It was bad. Obviously at the time I thought it was fine, but I never really saw how sad it looked. Finally at the end of last year, things were looking up when my mom mentioned travelling and I've managed to stop taking so many drugs all the time. Yeah, so that's my life story and why I stopped going out to parties." I finish, realising that he probably wasn't expecting all that.
"Abby, I..." he begins and I feel my heart pounding. He's the only one that I've told the full truth to.
"That's what I was talking about when I said you wouldn't like me anymore." I say, remembering the previous morning.
Suddenly, unexpectedly, Paul's arms wrap around me, gently embracing me into a hug. "I didn't think that - I was't expecting - I'm sorry." he says softly.
My mind is a floating cloud, blocking out the fact that what I said hurts. I am numb, too numb to cry and I'm glad about that.
"It's okay." I reply, blankly.
"No, Abby, it's not. You didn't deserve to go through that and I wish someone could have saved you from that sooner." he says, but this time I can't think of a reply.
Instead, I sit there, being embraced by Paul's arms of warmth. 
After a while of sitting, Paul rubbing my back gently, I speak.
"Thanks Paul."
He pulls away to look me in the eyes. "You don't have to thank me."
"I'm sorry I sort of brought down the mood." I say, thinking about how serious the conversation has become.
He gives a small smile. "It's okay, we can still have plenty of fun."
Reaching into his bag, he pulls out two cups and two plates, putting one of each in front of me. Then he takes out a lunchbox and opens it to reveal toast, scrambled eggs, mushrooms, tomatoes. It gets set down in the middle of our two plates. He also brings out a bottle of orange liquid which I assume to be orange juice.
"I hope it's okay. It's all I could convince the kitchen staff to give me." he says hopefully.
I smile. "It's perfect, Paul." I say, quickly pulling my sundress over my skimpy underwear.
We eat and talk and the serious atmosphere seems to have left, replaced with laughs and jokes. It's like a few minutes ago hadn't happened and I'm relieved.
Soon enough, the food has been demolished by both of us and Paul clears it back into his bag. I offer to help him, but he insists on doing it. He is such a gentleman and I think that is so sweet that he planned this all out and even got us a picnic.
Once he has packed away the plates between us, he scoots closer so that he is sitting right next to me. "I really like you, Abby." he says, his hand around my waist. He seems to like putting it there. My heart flutters at his words.
"I really like you too." I answer.
"You know, I am going to break up with Jane. I was being serious when I said that."
"Okay, just don't hurt her, Paul." I sigh, remembering how kind she was. He nods and I feel him lean closer to me, his head finds a place on my shoulder to rest and I realise that he shows me a lot of affection and I barely show any back, only following after he has initiated something. I don't know how relationships work but I think that this is the moment where I am supposed to put my arm around him, so I do, enclosing him in a hug.
His head lifts up and he looks into my eyes with a smile as if he is going to say something but then decides against it. I begin to wonder what he was thinking about, but forget about that when I realise that we are still looking at each other. I put my my hands behind his neck and pull him in for a kiss. I can feel his lips curved into a smile against mine. Eventually I feel his tongue press against my mouth and let it in, both our tongues doing a dance that I have never learnt before. His hands move down to my butt and I'm surprised, but I don't stop him. This is what he meant when he said 'have fun'.
After a while, I pull away gently, trying to breathe again and Paul chuckles at my lack of experience. His hands return to himself as he brushes a piece of hair out of his face. He seems very satisfied with himself.
"I guess we should head back." I mutter, thinking about leaving the beautiful place that we have found. Paul sighs.
"I suppose you are right." he mumbles, standing up and putting out a hand to help me up.
He doesn't let go of my hand though, and we walk back down the forest path, eventually reaching the gate.
"Did you have fun, love?" he asks.
I nod. "Did you?"
"How could I not have fun when I'm with you?"
I laugh and try to hide my blush. "We should probably head to our rooms. Everyone thinks that we are sick." I remind him.
He pouts. "But that means you have to leave me."
I giggle even more. "Yes, it does, now go back to you room, McCartney."
He playfully rolls his eyes. "Okay, mom. Can I get a goodbye kiss though?"
I nod and he pulls me in for a quick peck on the lips before we both separate and go to our rooms.
When I reach mine, I see that the door is open and my heart drops, wondering who could have visited my room.
I take a hesitant step inside and see John sitting at the bottom of my bed on the floor. He looks up immediately when I enter. "Abby, I - I'm sorry about yesterday." he says, but I am taking no more shit from John. Things were going okay until he had to come and kiss me yesterday.
"Get out of my room." I say sternly.
"Abby, you don't understand. I didn't mean to hurt you, I was just angry."
"John, I'm done with your games. Seriously, leave." I order, but he stays put.
"It's not a game. I like you, Abby. You can shout at me, you can slap me, but it doesn't change my thoughts about you."
"I barely know you, John, how can you like me?"
He stands up, pain in his eyes. "Do you know what it's like to see Paul get the girl that you want so badly?" he says, moving closer to me and I back away into the corner of my room.
"John, stop it, you don't know me."
"But Abby, I watch you, how you act and speak. I find myself thinking about you before I go to sleep and when I wake up."
I think that his words are sweet but Paul and I have something going, not John and I.
I feel my back hit the wall and John is continuing to walk towards me. My heart is beating out of my chest with anxiety. I don't want him to kiss me again.
"Abby, don't be scared, I just want to talk to you." he says, reading my thoughts.
I realise that he isn't going to leave until I give him what he wants and give in. "Okay, we will talk." I say, walking to sit on the end of my bed.
He sits next to me, too close, so I shuffle away.
"What's on your mind, Lennon?" I ask.
"You." he says with a smirk.
I smile at his answer. It's sweet.
"You know that it's not going to work out."
His smirk disappears. "What am I supposed to do, Abby?" he sighs.
"I don't know, John, go back to your wife." I say seriously.
"Things aren't great between us." he mutters.
"Well, I'm sorry about that but there's nothing I can do for you." I explain.
"Yeah, I know, too busy with Paul, who doesn't give a shit about you." he says harshly.
He's going to try and upset me again. "That's not true." I challenge.
John looks up at me, sadness in his eyes and I feel bad seeing him like this. "Whatever. Just know that when Paul breaks your heart, I will still be waiting for you."
And with that, he stands up and exits my room, leaving me sitting on the bed wondering how he could possibly feel so strongly towards me.