Maybe I'm Mesmerized

Chapter 11

When we reach the dining hall again, I am feeling defeated by myself. My own stupid negative thoughts have gotten in the way of enjoying the morning with Paul and I feel my emotions weighing me down like they did when I was back at home. The reminder of my father has left a sour taste in my mouth, a searing pain like putting salt on an open wound.

My change in mood must be evident as Paul seems uncertain of what to say. I hate myself for becoming this broken person who has everyone feeling sorry for her. "Look, I didn't mean to upset you, I hope you know that. I'm just worried." Paul says, uncomfortably.

I brave a fake smile and decide that I need to spend the rest of the day sorting out the thoughts going on in my head. "It's fine, you don't need to be worried." I say, dismissing his concern. "Anyway, I need to go and talk to the maharishi quickly. I'll see you at lunch."

Paul gives a nod and I head towards the table where the maharishi is sitting. He gives me a warm smile when he sees me. How can he always be so at peace? "What troubles you?" he asks, noticing my serious expression.

"I was wondering if I could skip this afternoon's classes? I'm not feeling well." I explain.

"Ah, well troubles of the heart must be tended to. Of course you may be excused." he says and I wonder how he figured out that it was 'troubles of the heart'.

"Thank you." I say which he nods to in reply.

It's lunchtime and I glance over to where Paul is sitting and see that he is already looking at me. I give him a small smile and then notice that John is also there, looking at me. I can't help but feel embarrassed and I look away before walking towards the food table.

I'm not hungry but I dish up a small amount of salad and make sure that I also grab a glass of water. Being dehydrated will only make me feel worse.

As I reach the table, Paul pats the empty spot next to him and I sit.

"Starving yourself, are you?" John remarks, giving my plate an unimpressed look.

I give John a glare. "I'm not hungry." I state indignantly and John laughs to himself smugly.

"I almost forgot to ask. How's the happy couple?" he adds and Paul and I instantly give him our attention.

"Shut up, would you John?" Paul says with a cheeky smile, looking around to make sure no one else heard him.

John raises his eyebrows with a smirk and returns to his meal. He really loves teasing me and I can't understand why.

For the rest of the meal, I stare at my food, moving the lettuce around the plate with my fork. I can't eat. My appetite is gone and sitting here, giving everyone fake smiles while they talk is painful. I know Paul can see how uncomfortable I am. He gives me reassuring glances throughout the meal, but as soon as they have all finished eating I head straight for my room, telling Paul that I will see him later.

I don't want to hurt him by isolating myself, but I just need this afternoon to myself.

Collapsing onto my bed feels like the best thing in the world. I give out a deep breath and let my thoughts stream through my mind. I feel like things with Paul are okay now. I mean, things are still complicated with Jane, but I feel myself slowly opening up to him.

What's really bugging me is the flashbacks from my own past. I'm ashamed of everything I did to avoid reality. I'm ashamed that it is still tempting. All of that just to stop thinking about my dad and now that I have nothing to help me escape, all the feelings are hitting me.

I remember the car crash vividly. The loud crashing of glass and then the long beep on the heart machine as I watched my dad die in the hospital afterwards. I remember screaming and crying, refusing to come out of my room for weeks. I remember moving into the New York apartment and my mom never coming home. I was never sure if she would come back in one piece. She's trying to change now though. I can see that. Maybe I can't forgive her just yet, but she deserves to find another person to love. Everyone deserves love.