Maybe I'm Mesmerized

Chapter 10

Paul pulls away and I turn to see George and Pattie, who is looking at me apologetically. She obviously didn't know that Paul and I were down here. "Paul?" George says, "You and Abigail?"

I look up to Paul, wondering whether he is going to make an excuse for us or not. "We were just..." Paul starts, at a loss for words.

"You were kissing. You saw that too, didn't you Pattie?" George continues. I can't quite tell how he feels about this yet because his expression is quite blank.

Pattie hesitates. "Oh, I don't know George. They were just sitting together, weren't they?" she covers for us.

"Come on guys, we all know that this isn't the first time Paul has cheated." George remarks and I feel my heart ache because I know that he is right and I am just another one of Paul's girls on the side.

Paul must know what I am thinking because his hand that was around my waist gives my back a reassuring rub. I can't tell whether I enjoy this or not because half of me is thinking that Paul doesn't really care about me and just wants to get me in bed and the other half of me is thinking that maybe he actually will break up with Jane for me.

"George..." Pattie says under her breath in a warning tone.

"Well it's true." he says with a laugh while Pattie gives him a sharp nudge. I like George and I don't blame him for being honest. Paul is one of his best friends and he's just teasing him, not trying to hurt my feelings.

"Okay, okay, I want to hear the full story." George says, giving Pattie a nudge in return. They both sit down in front of us while Paul and I give each other apprehensive glances.

So far George doesn't seemed too bothered which is relieving and I find myself glad that it wasn't anybody else who caught us.

"Well..." Paul begins slowly, "Things haven't been great with Jane for a while, but when I met Abigail I fell in love."

I can see Pattie trying to hold back her laughter at his words. We had both been discussing last night how ridiculous it is to love someone after a few days, but after last night and today I'm on the verge of changing my mind about that.

"I'm going to break up with Jane next time I see her, it's just I didn't want to do it while she's with her dad and all that." Paul states and I feel my heart racing because he officially told other people that he was going to break up with her and for some reason it all seems more realistic to me now.

"Oh well that's great then. I mean, not for Jane, but it's great. But, is this still our little secret?" George says and his positive reaction to this whole thing makes me feel a lot better.

"Yeah, um, until I break up with Jane." Paul answers, giving me a small smile and I return it.

After a bit of talking and changing topics, Paul takes my hand. "We are gonna take a walk." he says, picking up the guitars and handing one to me.

"Okay, you two lovebirds. Don't have too much fun." George teases and Pattie giggles at George's behaviour.

"Oh we'll try not too." Paul says, smirking at me with raised eyebrows and I look away shyly, not sure on what he is planning.

We walk along the stream edge, kicking pebbles and humming Raining In My Heart, the song that Paul had been teaching me before George and Pattie joined us. I wonder to myself if this is what I want. Do I want to be known as the girl who broke up Paul and Jane? Do I want Paul to break Jane's heart because of me? What about my mom and my normal life? What about New York? Don't get me wrong, I don't want to spend the rest of my life in that small apartment with my mother, but the life I'm living now always felt like a world away. In a few months time, I'll be back in my room by myself, writing songs about my aching heart and Paul won't even remember my name.

I've always wanted to do music, but there's no way that I am good enough to ever make a career out of it. My mom always told me when I was growing up that I should get a decent job, an accountant or a scientist. I could do it if I wanted, I was top in my grade for maths, but it never really mattered to me. Music was the only subject I really cared for. I listened to all the early rock n rollers; Elvis, Buddy Holly, Chuck Berry. I even listened to classical music. Any record I could get my hand on, I bought. Even the Beatles. I still love their music today, but I was never really crazy about the band members themselves. That was simply because I was too absorbed in my head to focus on much. I was too caught up in the drugs and alcohol, trying to hide from my reality with substances.

"What's on your mind?" Paul says. He must have noticed that I was deep in my thoughts.

"Oh, nothing." I lie as an impulse. I don't really know how to talk to people about my past or the things that go through my head.

"Come on, I know there's stuff that you're hiding from me. But I'm not going to hurt you Abby, you can trust me. All you have to do is let me into your little world." he says, giving my hand a squeeze and in this moment, I truly believe him.

"It's complicated and I don't know if you'll still like me after I tell you." I say anxiously.

"Abby, I don't think anything could make me fall out of love with you. I don't think you take me seriously enough when I say I want to be with you." Paul says and my heart flutters. "Tell me what's wrong." He takes the guitar out of my hand, placing them both on the ground and puts a hand to my cheek. We stop walking, looking into each others eyes.

I take a deep breath in. "Well," I begin, struggling to find the words to speak. "five years ago my father died. We lived in England but after that we moved to New York. I've just been thinking about him because I think my mom is dating somebody else now and I'm really scared." Tears are forming in my eyes while I think about my father and then my mother with someone else, but I refuse to cry in front of anyone.

"I'm so sorry." he says, taking my hands in his big, warm hands and I feel safe. It reminds me of when my dad would embrace me for a hug and all my problems in the world would disappear. "You don't have to be scared. It's all going to work out, alright?" I'm comforted by his words and opening up to him doesn't seem like such a scary idea anymore.

I lean into his chest and he puts his arms around my back. I can feel him breathing into my hair and I think that there is nobody else I would rather be with right now.

Eventually we both separate. I don't know how long it has been though. "Now how was that supposed to make me not like you?" Paul remarks with a smile and I feel my smile fade when I think of all that I didn't tell him. "What aren't you telling me?"

"I - I - " I try but fail at forming any words in my mouth.

Paul looks at me, confusion in his eyes, probably trying to imagine what I could possibly be hiding. He thinks I'm some innocent girl who's only just has her first kiss, but I'm far from innocent in the world of drugs. While Paul thinks that the other day when he offered me a cigarette it was my first, little does he know that I smoked far too much in the past few years. The sad thing is that although I want a life that is worth more than drugs, I would still gladly go back to them in a heartbeat right now.

"It's okay, you don't have to tell me if you don't want to."

"Maybe another time..." I say, feeling defeated by my inability to just be honest.

Paul nods in an understanding way and picks up both the guitars. I put my hand out to take one but he insists that he will carry it for me. He probably feels bad for me, but I remind myself that he told me a few days ago that he had lost his mom and maybe he can just relate to my pain and wants to help all he can. I don't know, but we head back to the buildings and all I know is that in this moment, all I feel is warmth and love towards the man standing next to me. I haven't felt that in a long time.