Maybe I'm Mesmerized

Chapter 5

I'm walking to the gate where I see Paul waiting and I can't help but smile at the fact I'm actually going on a walk with him alone. He seems to be grinning at this whole idea as well.

"There you are." he says, "For a second, you had me worried that you weren't going to come."

I laugh at him. He doesn't know how many times I paced my room, trying to decide whether I was going to join him or not. I feel weak for giving into my emotions and coming, but this could be a start to good friendship while I am at the retreat.

"For a second, I was also worried that I was going to come." I mutter. He seems to ignore this and change the topic though.

"So where are you from?" he asks.

"New York," I claim, "and you?"

"Liverpool. You don't seem to have an American accent though." he delves.

My smile fades a little, thinking about England and Oxford where I used to live. "Well, I'm originally from England, we moved a few years ago." I don't know why I am opening up to him. I feel exposed, I feel scared.

"Oh, I see. Ever think of moving back?" he asks, almost hopefully.

My heart flutters at the thought of moving back to England which I always thought was an unreachable dream, but after Paul mentioned it, I decide that maybe after all of this I can move back to England. "Perhaps." I say.

Paul takes out a cigarette and lights it. I chuckle at him. No smoking is allowed back at the retreat and here he is breaking the rules again. I see him puff out the smoke and miss the taste of the cigarettes that I haven't touched in months. "Can I have one?" I ask before thinking.

He doesn't hesitate to hand me one. I put my hand out for the lighter but he doesn't budge. "Um, I need to light it." I say, confused.

He smirks. "Let me light it for you.". I am taken back by this offer slightly, but proceed to put the cigarette in my mouth and lean closer. Paul leans closer too, looking right into my eyes as he brings his hand up to steady the cigarette in my mouth. As he does this, I feel his fingers brush my cheek and lips.

Finally he lights it and takes his hand away and I feel like I can breathe again, but when I take a breath my throat is met with smoke that I have forgotten about out and I give out a cough.

"Never smoked before?" Paul laughs, which irritates me slightly.

"I have actually." I insist, but Paul doesn't seem to believe me. If only he knew how many drugs I have actually taken.

After walking on the path for some time, we reach the forest that I assume Paul was talking about. It's beautiful and reminds me of when I used to go on walks with my dad in Oxford, but instead of becoming sad, I actually enjoy this moment of nostalgia.

I see a small field of grass with flowers and I can't help but run over to the patch and sit down. Paul laughs and follows me and before I know it, we are both lying down and looking up at the trees above us.

"What about your family?" Paul asks and I feel my heart drop.

"What about them?" I say.

Paul sits up and looks at me. "Well, how are your parents, what are they like?" he says, delving deeper into something I don't want to talk about.

"They are good." I say dismissively, "What about yours?"

"Oh, I lost my mom when I was fourteen, but my dad and the rest of the family still live in Liverpool and they are great." he says with a sad smile.