Maybe I'm Mesmerized

Chapter 7

My head is spinning. I haven't moved since John left the room. All I can do is stare at the ground and feel ashamed of myself. I need to stop talking to Paul. I've let my own feelings get in the way of his and Jane's relationship and that's not fair, but it isn't too end this. I take a deep breath in and remind myself why I am here. I want to open my mind, meditate and learn how to spread nothing but peace and love. So far I have learned that kissing a taken man is not included when in spreading peace and love.

I stand up and walk outside for some fresh air. I see Paul and John walking across the field and wonder whether Paul knows that John saw us, but I push the thought aside and turn in the opposite direction from them. I obviously am not looking where I am going because before I know it, I bump into somebody who turns out to be Pattie. She is walking hand in hand with George.

"Sorry, I'm not looking where I'm going." I apologize, stopping in front of them and taking a step back.

Pattie and George both smile. "It's completely fine, darling," Pattie says, "we were only taking a walk to the river. Actually, would you like to join us?" she offers.

Usually I would turn down an offer, but George and Pattie seem so lovely and I would love to get to know them better. "Sure, as long as I'm not intruding." I say.

"Of course you aren't." Pattie says and George agrees with a friendly grin.

"Okay, thanks." I say as we begin walking towards the gate.

"So where are you from?" George asks, looking up at me.

"I live in New York, but originally I'm from Oxford." I state, "What about you guys?"

"Pattie is from Taunton and I'm from Liverpool." he answers.

"What brings you here?" Pattie asks brightly.

"I've been interested in meditation for a while and I just want to try and find some inner peace. I also needed to get away from home for a bit." I say, trusting these two enough to mention the last part.

"That's good. I think everyone needs some peace in their life." She remarks and I nod in agreement. It's almost as if every word that she says is bouncing of her tongue with the way she speaks and it relaxes me. "By the way," she continues, "I wanted to let you know that I think you are simply beautiful. You look so... pure."

I can't believe how kind she is being. I guess everything surprises you when you isolate yourself for years. "Thank you, but you shouldn't be speaking with your looks." reply. I'm glad I decided to come on a walk with them. They are so easy to talk to and I don't feel any pressure or expectations when speaking to them.

"George, don't you think she should come to a shoot with me one day? I can already picture her on the cover of a magazine." she giggles.

"Oh, please," I interrupt, "I know I am quite plain."

"Don't be so hard on yourself, I think Pattie is right." George says, "But people with your attitude never end up on magazines because you are too scared. You just have to live, don't overthink things."

I like George. He is honest and a lot of people these days are too scared to be truthful. I appreciate this trait of his and agree that maybe it is just my attitude. "You're right. I never really thought of that." I say thoughtfully.

A minute later, have reached the river and all decide to do some meditation. I walk off a bit and find a flat rock next to the stream that I can sit on. I close my eyes and focus on a mantra and let my thoughts meander, keeping the mantra constantly echoing in my head.

I don't know how long it has been when I open my eyes, but I feel so free of stress. Also, I finally seem to have an idea on what to do about Paul. I'm going to simply and honestly talk too him about the whole situation. I don't know why I didn't think of this before, but I can't force myself to live through the turmoil much longer.