Maybe I'm Mesmerized

Chapter 24

She looks up at me with a calculating look, as if every piece of the unfinished puzzle is coming together in her head. She looks tired. Dark rings circle her eyes and her eyes are hiding pain inside of them, as if she could break down crying any second.

"What are you doing in London?" she asks, breaking the silence and pretending that we both don't know that I am here with Paul.

"Oh, um, I'm going to visit Oxford soon." I stutter. I almost think that I see her flash a nasty look at me but it disappears.

"So... you here with Paul?" she gets out with a sigh.

My heart rate quickens with the sudden exposure of this uncomfortable topic.
"Yeah... Yeah I am."

"Mm... We usually came here when we needed a place to stay for the night." she replies sadly.

"Oh..." I answer, unable to find a suitable reaction.

"How is he?" she asks.

All I can wonder is why she is continuing this conversation when this is making us both feel awkward.

"Good." I say, "Yeah, he's good."

"You two are together then, aren't you?" she states with disapproval clear in her tone.

I nod. "Um, yeah." My hands are getting warm as I fidget uncomfortably in an attempt to rid the guilt coursing through my fingertips.

"Well, I wouldn't waste my time if I were you. He'll break your heart in the end." She remarks snidely but her face quickly turns to a look of guilt.

"Thanks for the advice." I reply awkwardly. What she said wasn't nice, but I can't expect her to be too kind to me after I sort of stole her boyfriend.

"Well, I'm here to meet up with someone myself, so I'll be off." She says, almost grabbing the books from my hands and walking off.

I don't blame her for being upset. I deserve to be screamed at for the horrible thing I did to her. I just hope she manages to heal.

Continuing down the hallway and towards the stairs, I think about the day ahead. I'm going to Oxford and I'm not too sure how my brain is going to react to that because I am an emotional mess usually when I think about my past. John is probably staying in London or going back to India or maybe even going back to his wife. Wow, I almost forgot he was married because he sure doesn't act like it. I feel like a horrible person for even thinking about a relationship with Paul and John when I knew that they were both with other people. And maybe I have too many expectations of Paul. After all, he broke off an engagement without a second thought.

"Got you some toast with peanut butter and coffee. I hope you like peanut butter?" Paul says I sit down at the table.

"Oh yeah, I love it. Thanks." I reply taking a bite from the toast.

"No problem." he smiles, taking a bite from his as well and then sipping on his coffee.

"I bumped into someone while I was coming down here." I mention while looking out the window to see the rain sprinkling down on the wet, muddy street. People's feet splash through puddles and hurry for cover or stride with their umbrellas.

"Who?" Paul asks curiously.

"Jane."

"Oh," he gulps, "what did she say?"

"Just that I shouldn't waste my time fooling around with you." I state.

He hesitates before he answers. "We aren't fooling around. This is a serious relationship. You're my girlfriend." Paul defends himself.

"Yeah, and you and Jane also had a serious relationship but look how that ended." I remind him.

Again, there is hesitation before he speaks. "Since when are you on her side?"

"I'm not on anyone's side, Paul." I say, taking another bite of my toast. "I'm just stating the truth. You don't have the best track record in relationships."

The comfortable feeling that I usually have around Paul has disintegrated into fear and anxiety. I don't want him to break my heart like he broke Jane's. I don't him to push me aside once he gets bored of me.

"You're right. I'm sorry." he sighs, drinking from his coffee.

I don't know what to say. I just stay silent in my thoughts. Why is it that only today the full realisation of who Paul is has hit me like a train? He is not only a rockstar, but also a guy who was prepared to break off an engagement because he was infatuated with someone else.

Breakfast crumbles away in a silence only broken by the crunching of our toast and eventually a waiter that gives us the bill for our night at the hotel.
"So, how are we getting there?" I ask as we step outside.
"Train. We are gonna catch the next one at 12." Paul mumbles. He still seems upset about earlier.

A taxi eventually arrives to take us to the station and we climb in after Paul has put our bags in the back.

"Look, Paul, I'm sorry about earlier, I didn't mean to upset you." I explain.

He looks out the window of the cab, still very distant. "No, you didn't upset me. You just made me realize that I am incredibly lucky to have you trusting me after everything you've seen me do." he mutters and then turns to me, "You do trust me, right?"

I nod. "Of course I trust you. That doesn't mean I don't feel scared. I'm terrified. The only relationships I've ever had in my life have been torn away from me. My dad, my mom, friends."

"I'm sorry." He reaches out to put a hand over my knee, comforting me with the gentle brushing of his hand.

"You have nothing to be sorry for. I just don't want to lose you once I get boring." I speak my mind.

"Abby, I - fuck - I know it looks like I am a cheater but - I can't even begin to explain how different this is from any other relationship I've had before." he says, looking dead in my eyes.

"Okay, okay. We don't have to get so dark and serious here." I chuckle, trying to lighten the mood.

His eyes twinkle as he smiles. He has a lovely smile that fills me with bubbles inside.

By the time we are on the train, we are exhausted from dodging the multiple photographers and I fall asleep, my head resting on Paul's shoulder. The train ride is only an hour long and so soon enough I feel Paul nudging me to wake up.
I open my eyes and see Oxford rushing past the windows. My eyes widen as the nostalgia hits me. The intricate buildings and the pathways that twist through the town remind me of sunny days walking around with my dad, laughing because nothing mattered back then.

"We're here." I utter.

Paul smiles and rubs my back with his hand. "Yeah, we are. Happy?"

I grin and nod as I scoot closer towards the window to get a better look. Memories flood my brain, happy memories, bad ones, and I can't tell if this is a good thing or not.