Maybe I'm Mesmerized

Chapter 12

For the rest of the meal, I stay relatively quiet and after I finish eating, I inform everyone that I am tired and I'm going to my room. Paul seems disappointed that I've been in such an anti-social mood since this afternoon, but I leave the table and head outside anyway.

As I step outside, cool air hits me and I realise that I was feeling very suffocated during the meal. I look up and see stars everywhere, twinkling like thousands of gems. The hill in the distance doesn't look as treacherous as it did during the day. Instead it looks calm and welcoming, as if one could just slide down it with no harm. In fact, everything looks calm and welcoming and I don't know why. Maybe it's my head's way of coping with the fact that everything has become a nightmare recently. Maybe my head is trying to give me a little peace by creating a seemingly pleasant world to contrast my aching thoughts.

I see a patch of grass further along the field which looks so comfortable and being outside right now just feels right so I walk over to it and lie back, letting the cool strands of grass intertwine with my hair. I breathe in the fresh scent of soil and plants and gaze at the sky above me, trying to gather my thoughts about John.

He kissed me and then proceeded to hurt me by telling me that all Paul is going to do is hurt me, but Paul has been nice to me. In fact, the only person who has proved that they are going to hurt me is John so why should I listen to him. He has been incredibly rude to me. That one night at dinner when he was touching me and now this afternoon and I'm not taking it anymore. I don't care if he tells people about Paul and I. George and Pattie already know, all that's left is Ringo, Maureen and Jane and the only one I am remotely worried about is Jane finding out.

What has my life become? A game of which Beatle I can trust? How crazy is that? Two months ago I was sitting in my room like I had for the past five years of my life and now I'm in India, friends with the Beatles and kissing Paul McCartney. This gives me shivers down my spine and an uncomfortable feeling. I'm a different person from a few months ago and I don't know if this is good or bad.

Suddenly I am pulled from my thoughts by a voice. "Abigail, you okay?"

I turn my head and see George standing beside me. I give him a small smile. "Yeah, thanks. I'm just thinking about some stuff." I say, sitting up.

George sits down next to me. "You were very quiet at dinner. I was a bit worried and well, I saw you lying at out here. Do you wanna talk about it?" he asks, kindly.

"It's very sweet of you to check up on me, but really I'm just trying to let everything sink in. This is all a lot to take in for someone who has barely left their room for five years." I sigh and am shocked by my honesty. Every time I reveal anything to someone my instinct is to recoil back into my cage of secrecy. George is just one of those people that I feel I can talk to you. He is quiet, he is understanding.

"Barely left your room?"

"Oh, um, yeah..." I say awkwardly.

"Why?"

I look up and see actual concern in George's eye. It's surprising because I'm not used to seeing people that aren't just faking it and genuinely care.

"Well, after my dad died everything was grey. I didn't want to leave the house and when I did, my mom didn't approve of the people I was with. So I just decided to stay by myself." I blurt out before even thinking about it.

George's look of concern changes to one of sadness and I feel my heart beating fast with the rush of telling a secret that seemed to be locked up for years.

"Abigail, I'm sorry. I can imagine that all of the stuff with Paul is probably confusing for you. Look, I know earlier today I said that Paul cheated on people a lot, but really I was teasing him. I can see that he really cares about you in a different way from anyone else that he's ever been with." George comforts me, putting a hand on my shoulder.