Creepypasta OCs Advice + Reviews

Lucille Adams

As you've probably noticed, I've been uploading a chapter on a schedule. I can now officially say I'm uploading every 2 days! Expect chapters on that routine. It will be rare, but I might post a day late sometimes. I'm keeping a schedule though, so yeah. Thanks for continuing to read my book!
Weeeeelcome to another OC review (that sounds really familiar). This was submitted by the sweet Hufflepuff-Fangirl_5 so go read her other works as well!

Name: Lucille Adams
Lucille is a very new and creative name. Amazing paired with a more basic last name. You refer to her as Lucy all the time though, so I'm assuming it's a nickname?

CP Name: She sees no point in making a name for herself, though she has heard people in town call her 'Silent Screamer'
That's new, again. Hopefully I'll read why some people call her this, but it's nice she doesn't use a  name.

Catchphrase: 'I have been hurt far too many times to care about the likes of people like you' (She usually says this as her victims are begging for mercy)
Sounds a bit edgy, but it is logical to say it at certain times.

Proxy: No
Good.

Age: 17 when she starts
Starts killing? OK. So is she currently 17 oooorrr??? Maybe say her current age instead, but it's readable.

Gender: Female
OK.

Sexuality: Asexual homoromantic
YOU ADDED THE ROMANTICS. Good job here, it's new as well.

Species: Human
*thumbs up* Good.

Race: French and German from her Father's side, American from her Mother's side
Nice combo here.

Personality: In the eyes of literally anybody else, Lucy is insane. She constantly asks teachers about poisonous plants and how dangerous they are and threatened students multiple times. In reality, Lucy is a damaged soul who is angry at the world for hurting her. She uses her cold demeanour to hide the fact that she is broken inside. She is untrusting, cold, angry at everything, and just wants to rid the world of filth
Ouch. Ouch. I can feel the edge from here. This is genuinely a bit too...repellent, even for Creepypasta. Insane is a touchy word to use too. Explain what you mean by it. Though, while it is understandable how she feels this way, try not to emphasize it so much. If she was threatening students, wouldn't she be suspended too? And I hope you have a good explanation as to why she is so "broken" as you say. Otherwise I consider not emphasizing the edgy-ness so much and reword a few things.

Physical Description: She has pale-ish skin with a natural pink tint to her cheeks, hazel eyes, long ginger hair that she usually uses to cover her face in school. She is 5"3 and 107 pounds.
Pale skin is seen as cliché but it can slide here, as the rest of her looks seem very unique. She is quite underweight but it is possible it's natural??? I guess?? At the age of 17 or over it would be unhealthy looking so you might want to bump it up a bit without an explanation. The rest of her looks are great though.

Family Members: Jacob Adams (Father; Missing), Abigail Adams (Mother), Riley Adams (5 year old sister)
Organized!

Friends/Acquaintances: She doesn't even trust people, why the hell would she have friends?
Touché I guess.

Enemies: Literally everybody but children. She believes that children are innocent and need to be protected from the clutches of evil while there is still time (she acts like murder isn't evil -_-)
She sounds delusional, but children do need to be protected. It's nice she's not totally evil and stuff.

Abilities/Powers: None
Again, good.

Skills: She is really fast and knows how to cover up her tracks
Useful skill to have, and not excessive.

Weapons: She'll usually use poison because she's a lazy teenager and doesn't want to come up with something creative. Plus, it's easy to get rat poison or bleach from the store. Also, blood makes her feel sick
Being lazy and "uncreative" isn't a reason to use poison. In fact, it's a good weapon. I feel like you put that there to avoid criticism but I doubt I should assume that. It's good here, and she feels sick at the sight of blood??!?? How ironic.

Strengths: Can kill without remorse, will protect her little sister at all costs, agile
Balanced.

Weaknesses: Let's her hatred blind her common sense, thinks all humans (except kids) are evil and needs to understand the world is not out to get her
This excessive hatred she feels better have a good explanation, but these are good weaknesses actually.

Backstory: Lucy lived a mostly happy life, until her father went missing on her 13th birthday. She fell into depression and classmates often teased her at school saying things like, "It's father's day, Lucy! Who are you going to make a card for?" She began to resent the people at her school and the teachers, for they did absolutely nothing to help her. Her mother did try to help, but Lucy kept having this nagging voice at the back of her head that said her mother didn't really care.
OK, off to a very fast start. Did all of her classmates tease her? If so, that's really excessive. And you say she simply "fell" into depression. It doesn't quite just work like that, but I can see where you're coming from. And about the mother not caring (from Lucy's perspective), that sounds a lot like anxiety. She seems to have anxiety rather than depression, and it would make more sense that she does, so maybe look at that a bit closer.
When Lucy was fifteen, she was diagnosed with depression. She was kept in a hospital where she was supposed to get better. She stayed there for three months before getting released.
Rarely ever is someone diagnosed with JUST depression, and like I said this sounds more like anxiety. And she was kept in a normal hospital for 3 months? The doctors would have no reason to keep her there, as she isn't a threat at all to herself or anyone. Even if she was, she'd be in at least therapy and a psychiatric hospital rather than a regular one.
After she got released, someone threw a party in honour of her coming back. She was worried, but didn't question it. She was way too excited, because she was going to her first high school party!
That sounds quite sketchy considering you made it sound like legit no one liked her, so she should be much much less excited than this. Nevertheless this is a good follow through, it's not bad.
While there, someone got drunk and led her to his room and he...while, let's just say it's why she's asexual. She can't stand the thought of something like that happening to her again.
That's terrible. You seem to take it a bit lightly though, as she shows absolutely no signs of trauma, rather just putting this in for sympathy.
When she was 16, her mother started to drink. She would often call Riley and Lucy awful names or ask when there father was getting home from work (even though he had been gone for 3 years now). She never striked them though, thank God.
Yes, thank God you didn't go with the drunk abusive parent trope! And this was very choppy towards the end, you didn't mention how or why she started killing.
So, due to the hardships she has experienced (Bullying, rape, her father missing, and having a drunk parent) she has come to believe the world is an evil place.
OK, it's understandable she thinks this, but she sounds more simply delusional than insane. Again, please explain how she became a Creepypasta! Add that on and this backstory would be really smooth.

Overall: This OC's backstory had many holes throughout, but there is a lot that can be praised here! What I highly suggest you work first on is fixing up how you portrayed her mental illness throughout her backstory, as it seems to have no significance or effect on Lucy. Rape is a very heavy burden, you can't just throw it in because it's Creepypasta. And she sounds more like she suffers from anxiety, rather than depression, and the "treatment" you said she went through is very questionable. I feel like you threw a lot of this in with no effect for plain sympathy, so try portraying it better win more research on it's actual effects. Also, explain how she became and Creepypasta and started killing! It's crucial and that detail would be very smooth to add. Lengthen up and expand her backstory a considerable amount as well. One last thing, you made Lucy extremely edgy. Add more of a...well...real personality to her. Give her definable traits to make her sound like more than a typical insane person, and avoid using the word "insane" too.
I loved her name though, as well as her appearance. You did a great job on developing her as a person I'd believe is real if I heard about or saw them. With some backstory work, this would be a great OC!
Thanks for submitting, I hope you found good output from this. Have a good day.