Suicidal

Suicidal's Note

*This is not an update, but please read. I wrote this because my heart feel sad.

Depression is not a joke. It really happens to people that undergoes stress, pressure and all negativity you'll ever think. It's the feeling of unworthy and not loved. The feeling of being a burden and not being belong in this world. The feeling that whatever you do, nothing feels right. It's a pain that you never understand and you don't know where it came from. The greatest battle a person can experience is a battle to him/herself. You're number one enemy is yourself.

This book is not just an author's imagination. I personally, experienced this. I really don't know if I really want what I am now. I don't know if I have a future. I don't know if what I'm doing right now is the right one. If this path is what I really want.

My own demons are eating my whole. I'm scared of disappointing my parents. I'm scared of not meeting my relatives expectations. I'm scared of people judging my parents saying they didn't grow us well or saying they're lacking as a parents. I'm scared being judge and saying I'm not good enough.

All of these got on my mind and affects my physical being. For a long time, I can't eat properly, and whenever I tried eating something, I ended up throwing up. Sometimes, I cried in the middle of our lessons and I will excuse myself and cried alone on the comfort room. I stared blankly on walls and ceilings. And I kept on asking, 'Why am I even here?','Am I really belong here?','No one loves me anyway.', 'No one need me.'

And because I'm so focused looking how worthless and unworthy I am, I forgot that someone will and always will love me. It's Him.

I forgot God. He who loves me unconditionally. He who provides my every needs. He who gave His begotten son just to save me.

Whoever read this, remember your are loved.

Whenever you feel alone. There's Him saying He's with you.
Whenever you feel unloved. There's Him saying He loves you with all His might.
Whenever you feel you're unworthy. There's Him giving you blessings because you are worthy in His eyes.

Even if you think you're a trash or a dirt in this world. You're a precious diamond in God's eyes.

We're different people. We have different beliefs, different personalities, different battles, different nation, different attitudes, different understandings, but one thing is for sure...

You are loved.
You did well.
You are worthy.
You are fearfully and wonderfully made.
You are beautiful.
You have purpose.
You have an important part of everyone's life.

To all fandoms:
Shawols, Exols, ARMYs, Once. Let's stop fan wars and love each other. We only love our idols. Always make them feel they are needed and loved. Even just a minute of your time, tell them you love them.

To Shawols:
I'm sending my regards. Stay strong. You didn't just lose your idol, but a part of your lives. You lost your family. Please, stay strong for everyone.

To SHINee:
I'm sending also my regards, even if you can't read this. Stay strong and your whole fandom are with you. You are loved and you are needed.

To Kim Jonghyun:
I may not personally know you, I may not be your fan and you may not read this but I just want to say you did well. You will always be remember in our hearts and minds. Your smile is the loveliest smile I ever see. And even when you're not here anymore, you are loved.

To people who will read this:
If you're feeling lonely, sad or in the verge of giving up. Don't. Please don't. The enemy(demons) are just feeding you lies. He wants you to feel weak and give up, but don't. You are stronger than him. Your God is stronger than him. Tell him you're not scared because you have God beside you and all the people who loves you with their hearts. Remember, you are strong because you are loved.

Stay strong people. Love yourselves.

사랑해~😚😚😚