pure fiction // ziam

thirty nine

( incoming monologue... )

Do you ever have that feeling where you want to check up on someone that used to be a part of your life--that meant everything to you--but you can't because you don't know if you're even on proper speaking terms. It's like we agreed to be civil, but we don't know how to be civil around each other and all I want to do is make sure he's alive and doing okay with his life. That's all.

But I can't.

So I just sit and let time pass me by, thinking that maybe time will fix this, time will heal the wounds--or will it make the wounds even deeper? The more time we spent apart the more sad I become. I lost half of me. I gave up half of myself. Someone who, for that little forever, meant the whole fucking world to me. And this is not to say I didn't feel guilty before, but now, I really feel the guilt down on me and take over me like a ominous shadow looming over me in the night. The mere thought of his name just brings a wave of emotions: positive ones about him and negative ones about me. He's the victim, and I'm to blame. This is my fault. The reason why I feel like this it was because of my own idiotic, selfish choices that ruined a perfectly good, healthy relationship with someone that actually wanted to spend time with me. 

This is not to gain the sympathy vote for anyone. I'm simply just trying my best to cope and to process completely what exactly went through my head during those two days. I know what I said, that I was just 'embracing my new found hoe life' but now that I look back it... was it even that? Was it even just something that I did without thinking or was it just a whim that I kept repressing deep inside and decide to just let it free? I think about this everyday now. It's the only thing that takes up my mind: who in the fucking world could I do this to someone who literally doesn't deserve it. Liam is the embodiment of kindness. If the sun would be a human, he would be it, beaming with happiness and kindness throughout, trying to share some of his rays of light with anyone who walks by.

I'm an idiot. That's what I am. I'm not Zayn. I'm just... idiot.

If the word idiot would take human form, I would be it. I would be the oh so lucky chosen one who would resemble idiocy. I think I would be the only one to hurt someone like Liam. Who would even think about doing it. No one would hurt him, he's Liam. He's too kind and sweet to anyone--even those who hate him. He doesn't hold grudges, he can never stay mad at anyone, he can't even hurt a fucking fly, he'd much rather see it be free than to have its life ended by heartless humans. But when I became one of the lucky few--and by few I mean the bare minimum--to be a part of the people Liam would hold a grudge on, I became devastated. I just thought we could move on from this. Like, I would understand completely if he didn't want to date me but I at least expected us to still be friends? If you want to call it that. But instead I get the silent treatment. I get cut off entirely. Removed me from all of his social media and I think he even blocked my number. Every connection from me to him, cut off.

It's like I did it on purpose but on accident.

There is literally no explanation for this. There is no way for me to properly explain how I'm feeling because feelings are feelings, there is no real life embodiment of those feelings until you can make up a scenario where another person can have that feeling. 

There is no one word to describe a feeling, you need a story to describe a feeling.

And I was stupid enough to hurt him. 

God fucking dammit.