Life Is Precious, Just Like Him - Phil Lester X Depressed! Reader

Promise Me

It was a few days after the Phil incident thing, well I wouldn't really call it an incident but whatever. It was a soldering hot summer day, but I still lay in Capri jeans and a light hoodie.

In the living room I sat In front of the fan, talking into it because I liked hearing my voice and how weird that the fan made it sound. Not to mention it was cooling me down.

"Boo!" Phil yelled as he grabbed my shoulders startling me, I fell backwards at his feet looking up at him. "Phiiiill!" I exclaimed, "You scared me." He giggled, "Sorry Y/N but that was funny." He then sat down by me.

"I'm phil Lester rawr!" He said into the fan making his voice get all chopped up but the way he said rawr was adorable. "So Phil what are you doing bothering me?" I asked. "Well me and Dan did a video Collab but then after we were really hot and sweaty so we decided we're gonna go to the pool, and even better you're coming!" Phil answered excitedly.

I suddenly got kinda anxious, "Oh cool, but um do we HAVE to swim?" I asked nervously.

"Of course, it's hot! I don't understand how you're not dying wearing that." Phil replied, unintentionally I pulled down my sleeves, "Well I'm pretty much always cool, I rarely ever overheat." I lied for in fact he was right and I was dying.

"Oh well you're still coming! You do have a bathing suit right?" Phil asked.

"Um, yes.." I quietly said, "But I don't like it."

"Why? Are you not comfortable wearing it in front of me and Dan? Do you not like your body?" Phil questioned.

"You could say that..." I said. "Y/N! Don't be like this, your body is perfect you should have some more self love! You need to raise that self esteem of yours." Phil exclaimed.

I clenched my teeth and tightened my grip on my sleeves, not saying anything I looked away from his gaze.

"Hmm.. Ooh I know is it because you dont think your suit is cute enough for me?" He teasingly said. I still said nothing, I was honestly trying not to either snap or break down.

"Oh come on Y/N talk to me! Don't make me go to extra precautions. " Phil stated.

"I don't think that's how you even say it." I muttered. "Hey since when did you get so Moody, turn that frown upside down!" Phil proclaimed and suddenly started tickling me, "Ahh Stop it!" I exclaimed. Phil kept tickling me though, "Not until you be happy again!" He stubbornly said. I tried pushing him away as I also tried not to laugh, he grabbed my arms to prevent me from pushing him away and then my sleeves went up. I shoved Phil away right as he saw the cuts right up my arms. Scars from cutting, old and fairly new. "Y/N-" Phil's voice was full of concern. Tears started developing in my eyes, "YOU IDIOT I TOLD YOU LEAVE ME ALONE!" I yelled and scrambled up running Right past Dan who just left his room and into to the bathroom.

"Y/N are you okay?" I heard dan call but I ignored him. After locking the door behind me I sat on the bathroom floor crying. I never wanted Phil to know about me cutting, Dan found out even we were In college but he made me vow to never do it again. I promised though broke the promise a few days after, thankfully he never found out.

Cutting helped me relieve pain from depression and anxiety, it was my relief. Ironic how causing pain upon yourself can also release so much.. And also how addicting it can be, I've tried actually stopping multiple times but it's so hard to.

No, no, no not the thoughts again!

My mind raced, cut cut cut..

Suddenly remembering I pulled my phone out of my pocket and popped off the case, in front of me a small metal sharpener blade dropped out. I grabbed it then pulled up my sleeves looking at all my scars collected through the years.