Depression and self harm quotes and poems.

86

I always get so mad when my siblings come home upset from school
Sometimes it's a kid that was mean to them
Maybe thy were ignored at lunch or recess
They might have gotten in trouble for something they didn't do

It's always makes me upset not just because they are my family but because they are in elementary school.

I don't want them to have the same experiences I did

People were always mean to me
Making fun of my height or how I act younger than I am

They always found a way to hurt me
I found people that cared but they would all get into stupid arguments and I'd be stuck in all the drama trying to keep everyone from punching each other
It's still like that today
They always fight with each other
None of them ever fight with me
One person has in the past but it rarely ever happens now
I've been bullied my whole life and I don't want my siblings to go through that

In 3rd grade I made friends with a girl that just moved to my little town and she ended up always wanting my attention
I could rarely hangout with my other friends
She wanted my world to be completely around her
I started sticking up for myself like all my other friends told me to do

She started to torment me
She even screamed in my face at recess and would have punched me if it wasn't for my big brother who got in trouble for carrying her to the other side of the playground

It wasn't as bad during 4th grade other than the drama and the every once in a while bullying

5th grade is when it all went down. People were always in clicks but that year was when it really mattered.
If you weren't popular or friends with the popular you were an instant target for any words they could come up with.
I screamed at someone in the middle of class and I remember telling them something alone the lines of they shouldn't be making fun of someone just because they aren't popular like them. And that just because they are friends with people that are related to the teachers and are on the football/basketball teams doesn't mean they rule the school.  I stood up and yelled it. They were laughing at me to begin with. I didn't even get in trouble.

At the end of 5th grade I started to believe everything. The last two weeks of school is when the teachers actually did something about the bullying. I know I wasn't the only one that had to deal with the popular kids. There were many others. Most of them apologized but some of them didn't and are still jerks after 3 years.

     Those last couple weeks I drew away from my friends. I sat alone at recess by an old crabapple tree because the flowers were always so beautiful to me. I started getting bad thoughts. Only twice did someone come up and ask if I was alright. The first time it was my friends. The second time it was a teacher but I lied and old them I was fine like I still do today.

That summer I made my first cut.
I don't remember the exact date but I remember exactly how it happened.

I knew a person that used to do it and she told me why and I tried to understand and I promised my dad I wouldn't be like her and hurt myself but I broke that promise. It wasn't even the thought of her that made me do it.
I just wanted to do it.

I broke a shaving razor and took out all the blades with a pair scissors. I was the only one home at the time as well.
I started with just a few scratches then I decided it wasn't enough and made one scratch with the actual blade rather than the back of it. I didn't want to draw blood or anything. I told myself just a few scratches but I ended up making one cut that bled for maybe a minute. I was adhered and didn't do it again until 6th grade.

That was the height of the bullying.  I no longer told anyone about it because I thought I deserved it and started cutting again around the middle of the year. This one kid told me almost every day to kill myself and at the end of the year he was making fun of someone so I told him to stop being an asshole.

He called me a few names that still run through my head today 2 years later. Things like "zit face" "cry baby" "weak and stupid" "ugly" "Bitch" "stuck up" "selfish" "slut" and a few others. The thing that hit me the worst was the fact that he told me that I was worthless and didn't deserve to live and I should kill myself already. Then he told my friends that they should kill themselves for being a my friend and called them fat and ugly. Not one of them was affected by it but that was my breaking point. I ran to the bathroom. They all followed but I could pretend anymore and I cried.

Once we got back from the teacher vs student basketball game that they have at the end of the year. It's where everything happened. The teacher asked what was wrong and one of my friends explained everything. She called the principal and told him a small outline of what happened. Than the bell rang to go home. I ran through the school. I ran into the boy that caused it. My friends were chasing after me and he yelled all of those things all over again at me. I ran into the band room to get my flute still crying my eyes out and my band director asked what was wrong. My friend explained and his face was red with anger. I didn't see him for a whole weekend and no one was home when I got home. I cried until my mom got home then pretended none of it happened. She found out of course and found out that I had been cutting from my friends who found out in the middle of the year.

The kid got suspended for it.
Nothing has ever been the same.
7th grade was a lot better other than the constant drama between my friends  and these two kids on the bus that would tell my I was worthless and no body liked me and I was a waste of space so I should die already. I didn't really acknowledge them until late at night when their words ran through my head.

Now I'm in 8th grade and everything died down for the most part except the voices in my head still tear me apart.

I know that I haven't had it nearly as bad as others. My story so far isn't nearly as sad as others. I just don't want my siblings to go through what I did. I'll always be the one kid out of my siblings that go through that. At least I hope so. None of them deserve that. Bullying completely destroys a person. Neither of my parents were bullied so they don't understand. Heck my dad was the one picking on kids for doing something that wasn't their age.

If any of my sibling were to get told to kill themselves I would throw a fit. I know what it's like and I never want to watch any of them go through it all. I love them. No one deserves it. If I could take all of the pain and struggles of the world and bring them upon myself so no one else but me in the world would have to struggle with anything than I would in a heartbeat. No one deserves to feel pain. No one deserves a broken heart. Not you, not anyone in this world. No one deserves it. Not one single person on this bloody earth deserves it. Everyone deserves happiness. The world is fucked up these days but it's up to us to show the example that good things do exist. Be kind to others. You never know what they are going through. Never cause pain to others because you never know if you could be pushing them over the edge. No one has a perfect life. So don't assume that someone does just because they are smiling and happy. They could be lying. Respect everyone. Value everyone. Making the world a better place starts with you and me.