What It's Like Loving an Idiot

Fifty || Get Away

I wake up the feeling of a strained neck and Grant's heavy head on my shoulder. Last night I remember that we both had only a few drinks and we were definitely watching a movie that wasn't as funny as we thought it was. It's been four days since I've heard from James last. Believe me when I says that I've called his phone hundreds of time because I'm certain that that is closer to the truth than to an over exaggeration at this point. Over these past days, I've been waiting for my phone to ring, just hoping that he's calling me back. Lately, I haven't been able to concentrate on anything. It's horribly concerning considering how much I pay for school. Instead of actually listening, I'm spending that expensive time being distracted and I don't blame anyone but James, not even myself. In the beginning, I thought that it might've been my fault, not that he left without a word, but because I couldn't stop thinking about all of it. Thinking about it filled up most of my time and I didn't know how to control it. More specifically, I cried, a lot. Grant was there for most of it and he's a lot better at consoling people than I previously thought. I don't understand how Clair could let him go. There are so many things that I've learned about him in the little time of four days that I probably never would have if James never left. I'm not trying to sound like I'm all okay with what James did because I'm not. I've never been this angry in my life. I just can't believe that he did this to me, after everything, I just cannot believe he'd do it. On day three, I didn't cry, which I'm thankful for considering that it's so draining. Not only is it exhausting, but it's dehydrating. People say that feeling these emotions reflect on getting better and I don't know how to put it— perhaps healing? I'm hurt, but I don't think crying will heal me, I don't know what will. Perhaps, I'm being dramatic about the whole thing, but Grant tells me I'm not and I believe him. I think that I have every right to be hurt and feeling this way.

Today Grant and I hang out with Grayson, Leah and Ryder. They've heard about the whole thing, but I haven't told them details. Not because I won't, but because I can't. I've been trying to figure out a way to justify James leaving without them raising suspicion of anything suspicious going on. Sure, I could just tell them that he just left without saying anything, but if he comes back, how will he respond to their questions? 'If' he comes back... He has to right?

I sigh, no, I can't do this to myself again. I'm going to freak myself out and I'll get sick again. I just... I need to forget about it for awhile.

"Vena?" Grant says, breaking the silence around us.

The sunlight shines through the large windows, creating a glare on the black T.V. screen.

He lifts his head off my shoulder and looks at me. I look back at him, "What?" I ask my small voice practically a whisper in the silent apartment.

"What time is it?"

I turn and look at the clock, "Noon."

He nods, running his hand through his messy blonde hair.

I've felt off for a while now. I don't exactly know how to put it into words, I just know that I don't feel like me. All of this has created one giant mess for me and I'm trying to figure out a way to solve it myself. Although, at this point I don't know if I am the person whose supposed to do that. Maybe it's not my job, perhaps at this point it's out of my control. I mean, it's not like this is a new revelation; I haven't had any control in a long time.

"What time do you want to go?" Grant asks me, knocking me from my ridiculous thoughts.

I pull my cardigan over my shoulders. Grayson, Leah and Ryder are all meeting us at Grant's coffee shop. "I'm not sure, maybe 12:30?" I wonder. Truthfully, I don't want to go there or any where. I want to stay in my bed and pretend that the world doesn't exist. Of course, I've wanted to do this everyday for the last four days, but Grant always drags me out of bed. Since James left, I haven't been sleeping in his bed because well... I just can't. Thankfully, Grant offered to take the couch so I could have my bed back, which was very kind of him, but I can't even begin to imagine how much his back hurts.