What It's Like Loving an Idiot

Fifty Three || Sober

James's POV

To understand my motives may be difficult—No, I know it is. What I'm doing doesn't make any sense, at least not to any ordinary person. Until one has put themselves in my shoes, in my position, personal opinions of me cannot be justified. I want to get home, I thought that that was obvious by now. The idea that I'm not trying my absolute hardest to get out of here is preposterous. It's just not the truth. Of course I'm aware that I got myself into this mess, but that doesn't stray away from the fact that Vena is the one person that care about most in my life. Never in my life have I cared for person as much as I do Vena. I've called her at least three times today and still no luck. I won't lie, I beginning to lose hope. I'm afraid that after a week she's already moved on. I don't know... Would she really do that? Based off the shit I've put her through I wouldn't blame her, I'd blame myself.

The Loyalty tests went well, at least with what we've done so far. I didn't have much to do with the duration of them, mostly just the plan. That's all I would agree to being a part of. I still haven't gave Autumn my father's letter. I should, I really should because I know it will either put her in absolute rage or make her cackle with absolute laughter. To be quite honest I'm not sure if I know her well enough to answer that question.

Here in a place that has too many doors to count, I tend to stay in my room. Other than Autumn and Kamer, I don't really socialize with anyone else. There's so many people here and I'm sure that they are good people, but this isn't who I am. This is exactly what I escaped and somehow I managed to get back in here. It's okay, though, I blame myself for letting Autumn get under my skin.

I sigh and get up, God, I may as well just give her this letter rather than just sitting here and staring at that stupid white wall. I stand up from my hard bed and and find myself swinging the door open. Unfortunately, in order to get to Autumn's office I have to walk through the cafeteria. Sure, for any other person who loves food and conversation, this would be a dream. For me? Well, this is me dodging desperate Almia, avoiding men with questions about the Vultures and trying not to be stared at for being Autumn's long lost brother who certainly doesn't look like he belongs here.

I sigh and begin down the hallway. Well, this sure is going to be a lot of fun. The moment I walk through the arch doorway to the cafeteria, I feel a hundred eyes on and I'm pretty certain that's not an exaggeration. As a frown sits on my mouth and my eyes are uninterested, I begin making my way through the room. Of course, it isn't as easy as I thought it would be. By the staircase to get up to Autumn's office, there is a very large crowd. I just want to get upstairs and out of this mess. As I slowly push myself through the crowd and almost to the first stair, a small child is push up against my chest. As an almost instantaneous reaction, I wrap my hands against the baby's small fragile body. What the actual fuck is wrong with this kid's mother. I stare her in the eyes, "What the fuck?" I say over the loud chatter.

The distraught mother stares at me. "Just take him for a second, I need to do something." I was about to retaliate telling her that I'm not a fucking baby sitter when she suddenly turns around and swings her fist at the woman behind her. Oh, for Fuck's sake another fight?!

I step further up the stairs, trying my very best to get this infant away from the violence. As I continue up the stairs, I look down at the little baby boy. His face looks so soft, so innocent. He was born into this mess and I doubt he'll get an out like I did, but I hope he does, especially with a mother like that. I mean, how fucking irresponsible can you be to get thrust your child to another person so you can fight? I can't put it into words that's for sure. I take a one last look behind me and I see exactly what I expected to. The woman is deep in a fist fight and I have no incentive to make it stop, I just want to get this baby out of there. I continue walking up the stairs, trying my best to not trip.