What It's Like Loving an Idiot

Fifty Seven || How Could I?

James's POV

Last night @3AM

My eyes open to a pitch dark room. My heart beats rapidly at the nervousness of unawareness. As street lights gleam across the dark room, I don't recognize it, not any of it. I know for a fact that I've never been... wherever I am— before.

Where the fuck am I? More importantly, how did I get here in the first place?

Just with the very little light that is shining into this room from outside, I know that I'm a stranger to this place. I sit up on my elbows and look around my surroundings in the halfly mood lit room. At first, this situation doesn't seem so bad. I mean, I have absolutely no idea how I got here, but that wasn't the worst part as my eyes stop at the top on the head of a brunette girl. I freeze, sure that the only thing moving is my heart in my chest. A woman... in bed with me... and I'm not wearing a shirt. Why am I... How did I... No... Oh, no.

Oh fuck no! I did not... I did not fucking cheat on my girlfriend. I quickly turn my head away from the girl. Thankfully, the blanket is covering everything except the top of her head, even her face. I don't want to know, I don't want to be able to remember the face of a woman that helped me cheat on Vena.

I quickly pull the blankets off my legs and quickly get out of that bed. An anxious feeling of absolute fear and guilt takes over everything I am in this moment. My hands have a slight shake to them. I cheated on Vena. I can't think straight, I need to think, I need to get out of here. I hurry to grab my things, but I can't find my shirt. Out of all the shitty things that have happened already, I can't find my fucking shirt. This is just great, just fucking great. Oh, fuck it, I'll just wear my jacket; I just need to get out of here. I quickly hurry out of the room as quietly as I can manage to. I'm sure that my footsteps sound a lot heavier to me than they really are.

I refuse to look back at the woman because I can't remember her face when Vena tells me to fuck off right out of her life. I'm so ashamed of myself, I just can't bare to look at her. I close the bedroom door as quietly as I can. The last thing I need is this woman waking up, I just need to get out of here, now. I stride through the apartment to the front door.

I shut the door behind me and hurry off towards the elevator. I feel like I should be running, fast and far. Anything I can do to get away, I'll do. Of course, running out of this apartment building will only get me so far. It will only get me out of the place where I've created a huge mess. I won't actually get myself out of this because that's not how it works, that's not how life works. I don't mean to use this cliche, but I've dug my grave and now I must lay in it.

How could this happen? I mean really, how could of this happened. The last thing I remember is looking for Vena in that club, but I never found her. God, I really fucking wish I did, maybe then I wouldn't be stuck in this horrible situation. No, I know I wouldn't be in this situation because I wouldn't let myself be.

Why would I cheat on her? This certainly won't help my case considering all the other shit I've already done to her. She'd never cheat on me, not ever. Not when she knows how much it hurts. Yet now, I'm going to be the one to hurt her and that kills me. I never wanted to be that person, the one that has the guilt of infidelity. I wanted to be the one person that she could trust enough that I wouldn't break her trust like this and I was that person. Drunk me completely fucked it up because I would never do this sober. No matter what, I'd never do it. I just wouldn't.

I was just so drunk. I don't even remember that woman's face, name or how we even met. I mean, this can't possibly be all my fault. I didn't even know what I was doing. Although maybe it is my fault... I was the one to drink so much on my free will. It's not like someone forced me to drink that much.