What It's Like Loving an Idiot

Thirty One || Keep Her Safe

James's Point of View

I know what I did to her. I know I'm the responsible one for her falling. I knew that moment she told me, I knew it was my fault. When you care so deeply for one person, you never want to get hurt. You protect them with everything you are. You protect them from danger, you keep them safe. What have I done? I have hurt her. I put her in this place where she couldn't control what was happening to her and it's all my fault.

I caused this.

How could I do this? How could I be so selfish?

I got so caught up in protecting her that I hurt her.

"James? Hello?" Vena waves her hand in my face trying to get my attention.

I shake my head out of my deep thoughts. I look at her.

She furrows her eyebrows at me. "Are you feeling okay?" she asks.

She's asking if I'm okay? She's really worrying about be even after finding out what I've caused. I suppose that's her being her selfless self. I nod, "Yeah, I'm fine. Why?"

She shrugs and sits down beside me. "I don't know, you've just seemed a bit off over the last two days or so."

I look at her and give her half of a smile. "You know why."

She slouches in her seat, she looks at me. "It's not a big deal, okay? I fell once and I'm fine now. That's all that should matter."

I turn my body to look at her, "Are you kidding me, Vena? This is a big deal. You know that my actions is what caused this. I know that's what caused this. You fell and a medical problem that never surfaced did because of me."

She shakes her head at me. "You can't blame this all on yourself. It's my own mind and you know I tend to overthink things in my head."

"No, I can blame this on myself because that's exactly what's happened here. Don't try and make the weight less because it's not the truth. Over the last few months, I have put so much stress and anxiety on you for no real good reason."

She looks at me, but doesn't say anything.

"James, I know things have been tough lately, but I'm sure we'll get through it. You and I both know that Autumn is the main source of this whole mess. She's gotten between us and lately, it seems like you've been choosing her over me."

I know that Vena and I needed to have this conversation for a long time now. I mean really have this conversation. I know that lately, it really seems like she's my second priority, but I don't mean for it to be that way. I really don't.

She turns her body to look at me, clearly waiting for a response.

"I want to end it all with Autumn and all that, but I can't, it's too late for that. They need me. As you might of noticed, Autumn isn't exactly all that intelligent. I mean, it's not like she finished high school," I poke fun and she smiles at me.

"I really don't think that's why she's unintelligent."

I smile at her.

"I'm going to try my best to put you first from now on and I'm going to try my very best to be honest with you from now on. I mean, what do you think will lift some of this stress from you?" I ask her.

She laughs at me, "Yeah, I've been asking for honesty for months, so, yeah, that would be appreciated."

I'm not going to lie, this scare is what pushed me to have this conversation with her. I don't ever want to see her like that ever again.