LOVE, LEIA (letters to tom) • Tom Holland au •

THIRTY ONE

June 5, 2017

Dear Leia,

How are you, my dearest daughter? I know you probably hate me with all your heart, but I want you to know that it was never my intention to leave you behind. It's going to take a lot of explaining and even after that it's not guaranteed that you'll believe me, but I'll take the risk.

Me and your mother have never had a good relationship to begin with, romantically at least, but we were good friends before everything came to a wrong turn. She knew that I had a girlfriend, and she knew that I had a son. I have never seen your mother as anything more than a friend. But she had a different way of seeing things.

It was one foolish night, I told Winona that I'd be out with my friends and that we were going to drink, and her being the amazing woman that she is, of course she let me. Your mother was there, together with our group of friends. We had a little too much to drink and we did things that we shouldn't have. We parted ways after that night, we made it clear that we'd no longer see each other again.

A month and a half later she called me and begged me to meet up with her, she told be it was urgent. We met up and she told me she was pregnant. I was infuriated when I found out. My ears were probably releasing smoke. I didn't believe her, I couldn't. But I knew her well enough to know that she'd never take it that far to fake a pregnancy. We talked about the custody and she was not budging when I told her that I'd take care of the child, that child being your sister, Keliana. Your mother was nowhere near stable at that time, she had no job, no income, no permanent home. She was a woman that took shelter in her best friend's garage. And I knew for sure that there was no way that I was letting my baby grow up unsure if she would be able to get the nourishment that she needs. So we made an arrangement, I told her that I'd buy her a house, that I'd provide for all of their needs.

It's not my intention to speak of your mother so terribly but if there's one thing that you should know about your mother, it's that she was an alcoholic. Even before I left. Even before Keliana was born. It was too dangerous for her to live in a house by herself without assurance that she wouldn't dare take even the slightest sip of alcohol especially with the baby inside of her. I couldn't risk it. So I told Winona everything she needed to know. I told her about what happened and I told her that I had to be a father to your sister. Much to my surprise, she let me. As long as I promised that I'd return to her as soon as Keliana was old enough to understand.

So I lived with your mother at the house that I bought. Me and your mother really did try to make things work. We did everything in our power to make us seem like a functional family for the sake of Keliana's comfort. Four years and a month later, you were born. We weren't expecting it, and I'm not gonna lie, we weren't thrilled. But I was ready to love you nonetheless.

To make things short, me and your mother tried to mask all of our differences for you and your sister. We made sure to never make it obvious that we weren't okay. Me and your mom would use 'date night' as an excuse to get away from each other.

A few more years later, Keliana was smart enough to pick up that things weren't as well as it seemed when she was younger. She found out that most of it wasn't real. Just when things were becoming too toxic for me to handle, I left. I left to return to my son. He was so much bigger than when I left him.

I came back to get you and your sister. I knew in my mind that there was no way that I was going to leave you with you mother. Not her in state. Keliana was willing, without a doubt. Her bags were packed without me having to say another word. But you on the other hand, were quite stubborn. Unfortunately, your mother already planted a bad image of me in your head. She made me the bad guy.

Although you were decided that there was no way that you were going to come with me, I knew that I atleast needed to take one of you. So I took Keliana. But I never forgot about you, Leia. I sent you a letter every week. I sent you a gift every year on your birthday and on Christmas because your mother had forbidden me to ever come back. I had no idea then that she wasn't giving you the letters or the gifts that I was sending. Not even a single one. Which explains why you hated me to that extent. Because you thought that I wasn't even trying. Because you thought I abandoned you. That was when I knew I had to get you.

I tried everything, Leia. I really did. And I'm sorry that it wasn't enough. I'm sorry that I couldn't be a father to you. I'm so sorry.

But I'm not done trying, my dear. I will keep trying until my last breath. You're going to have this letter one day. I'm not sure how or when, but you'll have this in your hands and you'll understand everything. I'm going to make us whole again.

I love you, my dearest daughter. More than you will ever know.

Sincerely yours,
Dad