One with the birds

Chapter 1

12 YEARS AGO (5 years old)

Daddy, daddy, Daddy
Why don't you love me?
Am I not good enough for your love?

***

Daddy was very angry today. He wouldn't stop shouting at mummy and he gave her lots of ouchies. He drank the funny drink again. He drank loads of it. It's a funny drink because he does funny things and goes from happy to angry really fast. When daddy drinks the funny drink, mummy makes me hide in the cupboard. She says we're playing hide and seek and mummy always seeks. She's not very good at it. She takes so long to find me. Daddy shouts a lot. Sometimes at me. It makes me very sad and sometimes he gives me ouchies too. They really hurt but mummy always kisses them better.

Daddy scares me. He has big hands that hit hard and a very loud voice. There are times when daddy is very nice. He takes us out, buys me yummy ice cream and lets me ride on his back. But that doesn't last very long. Daddy uses very naughty words when he is angry. Mummy said I can never use them. I don't because I always listen to mummy.

Daddy touches me sometimes, in naughty places. I never like it, it hurts very much but daddy says I must be a good girl and stay very still. He says we're playing a game. I don't like that game very much. If I wiggle away daddy gives me a big whack so I'm very still so he can finish the game. Afterwards, mummy cries hugging me saying sorry over and over again. She calls me her baby and cuddles me close. I wonder what she's sorry for. Mummy says 'this is hell' a lot. I'm always really confused because in Sunday school, we learned hell is a place for naught people who did naughty things and they go there when they die. The teacher says hell isn't a very nice place. So if I am in hell, am I dead? Have I done a bad thing? Am I a bad person?

I asked mummy and she said of course not. She said it is an expression. I don't understand what that means. Mummy says I'm very smart for my age. I'm only 5 and I can spell big words like d-a-n-g-e-r-o-u-s. Mummy said that means something that isn't safe. Mummy says daddy is dangerous and that I need to be extra careful not to annoy him. When I'm not extra careful, daddy whacks me hard and makes me bleed. He makes mummy bleed a lot- he sometimes uses a knife. Knifes are scary and sharp and he cuts mummy with them. Mummy says he's 'branding' her. She says it very angrily and her voice sometimes sounds like daddy's. Mummy rubs honey on my cuts and I rub honey on her cuts. It's really sticky and I like to play with it. Daddy once cut the word S-L-U-T unto mummy's back. I don't know what that means as mummy wouldn't tell me. She said I was too little for such disgusting words. I don't think it's a very nice word because mummy hates looking at it. I can spell d-i-s-g-u-s-t-i-n-g too. It took me a while to learn it because I kept missing out the u. Mummy says I have eidetic memory. It's a very hard word to pronounce. It means I remember everything mummy says. Mummy says it's a good thing. I don't like it very much, it gives me bad dreams of things that had happened months ago. Mummy said they're called nightmares. I can spell nightmares too, n-i-g-h-t-m-a-r-e-s. Mummy says I'm very smart. Daddy says I'm dumb. He says I'm a dumb little girl that he should have aborted. I asked mummy what it means. She wouldn't tell me what it means again so I found out myself. It means to kill a baby before birth. People who kill other people are meanies. Daddy sometimes says he will kill mummy if she leaves. I don't like daddy very much. Daddy is mean. Mummy says daddy loves me, but daddy doesn't. Daddy hurts me and mummy. I hate daddy. Am I a bad person that I want him to leave us forever and never come back? Am I going to hell?

***

Awww poor baby. Do you like the mother?

Hope you enjoyed this chapter. The next update is tomorrow.

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