I'm Not Okay (I Promise) • Geetrick

6

---Patrick---

Kissing has never really appealed to me before today, but now I can't help but think about it and sigh as I watch Gerard walk away, his head down with his hands in his pockets and his hair bouncing behind him. He's walking down Fremont, passing the bus stop on the way and continuing down the path. He steps down off of the sidewalk onto the street and continues through the dangerous territory. It makes me a little uneasy watching him walk straight through the road but as he steps back up onto the other side of the street, I calm down, and I'm able to continue gazing at him without fear. Why does he make me so concerned for his safety? Is that normal? I can't really focus on it, though, because he's so fucking beautiful. Maybe that's it. Maybe I'm just concerned because he's a cherry blossom. He looks so pretty but I'm afraid he'll be gone soon. That's gotta be it.

Patrick, that's wrong.

I sigh, frustrated with my conflicting thoughts and emotions taking over before finally deciding I have to leave the bus stop. It'll be better if I don't stay. Kevin might end up telling more lies about me.

I quickly place my earbuds into my ears and take out my phone, scrolling through my music: Green Day, Green Day, The Offspring, Green Day, Blink-182, Green Day, Shinedown. In case it wasn't obvious, Green Day is my favorite band. I have all of their music. Well, almost all of it. I don't have their most recent album, 21st Century Breakdown.

It came out after The Incident...

I decide to just put it on shuffle since I can't decide what song to play. Adam's Song begins playing, the familiar intro to the song echoing through my ears. Guitar starting it off, drums cueing soon after, and then Mark coming in somewhere in there. I listen to this song a lot when I'm depressed or have a bottle of pills in hand. I've never been able to work up the courage to continue, but I've considered it a lot...

I walk the same road that Gerard did before now, crossing the faded black street with faded white lines and faded yellow lines. So faded, it's hard to distinguish the black from the white and the yellow looks closer to orange. This part of town is old. It hasn't been changed for at least twenty years. The roads are filled with potholes, cracks, and bumps. The paint is extremely worn out from everything that's happened to it. Each drop of rain, each car that's driven by...

Just like you, Patrick.

Just like me. Broken. Used. Old. Worn out. I need to be repaved but I have no new cement. Nothing to hold onto to pull me back up... Except... Maybe Gerard... But that's impossible. He'd never help me like that. And anyways, it would be like I'm using him.

I shut my eyes for a bit, trying to calm my growing nerves.

It'll be fine, Patrick, just don't be a fucking idiot like you almost always are.

It's going to be okay, just don't cause a scene and go straight to your room. Dad won't question it. Nobody will. They don't care about me, remember?

Nobody cares about you. Not Brendon, not Ryan, not Joe, not Frank, not even Gerard. Their lives would be so much better without you.

My foot steps up the first creaky step of our wooden front porch, then the second, and then up to the porch and I can't go any further. My feet stop me right in front of the door, my hand still at my side, clammily.

What if I just turned back and ran? What if I just ran as far away as I could? Would I still be able to get away? What if I don't have to go through this one more day? What if I can just skip it today and not worry? What if I can just forget about it for one day?

Come on, Patrick. You know you can't avoid it. You deserve everything they do.

I bite my lip and close my eyes, hoping to wake up in paradise. But that'll never happen. I know it'll never happen. This is the life I have, and I can't change it, no matter how hard I try. Only two more years and I can leave. And it'll be better. Even then, I won't have enough money to support myself. So maybe another two years after that if Dad doesn't kick me out.