I'm Not Okay (I Promise) • Geetrick

14

---Patrick---

It's always been this city that makes me feel colorblind. This city and this one only. I've always kind of disliked Summit, though, so it's no surprise.

The city is gray.

The people on either side of the street are mostly wearing black or white and even something as colorful as my light gray hoodie looks out of place. Gerard has a neutral look on his features as he drops down on the city block, his legs hanging over the curb and I follow suit, nervously.

He takes out his phone almost immediately for a split second to look at the time: 3:50 PM. We'd been walking for twenty minutes. It seemed like five minutes... Time really does go by fast, doesn't it? I guess it's just because I was deep in thought, wasn't it? He puts his phone away, and I see that we're sitting quite a bit apart. Do I scoot closer or are we alright? I don't want to ask. That would be embarrassing... Instead, I ask him something that he might know and something that's reasonable, "How long until the parade starts?"

He looks to me, his dark eyes sparkling slightly. Not from the sunlight but with... tears? Oh, my goodness is he crying? My heart breaks even more, why is he crying? Is it bothering him that much?

"Are you okay? Holy smokes, what's wrong?" I ask, immediately panicking slightly. How do I comfort him? I've never done this before! Is he going to be alright?

"Patrick, c-calm down. I'm fine..." He sniffles like he can read my thoughts. He wipes his tears with the back of his finger, "I'm okay... I promise... J-Just bad memories... I promise I'll tell you in a little bit, okay? I just need to..." He takes a deep breath, "I just need to calm down..." He smiles, and I see him swallow, "Forty minutes..."

"Huh?" I ask suddenly clueless.

"Forty minutes until the parade starts." He replies, "You asked how long until the parade starts."

I internally sigh in relief because he's stopped crying before responding, "Okay, okay..."

His gaze leaves me as it instead goes across the street, there are no cars parked, and it looks like the city is clearing it for The Black Parade to come through. Waiting patiently. The sky is cloudy and a dark gray like it's going to rain. It worries me slightly because I don't want Gerard to get cold or sick. I could probably let him use my hoodie if he wanted. Then he could have something more than just a light jacket to keep him warm. Is that weird? I don't know why I care about him so much. Is it because he cares for me? Or pretends at least? I don't understand.

There are lots of things I don't understand right now. I'm so confused about... everything but somehow I can still find peace when I'm with him. He clears my mind, and he makes me feel like everything's going to be okay even if I'm seconds from disaster. I don't understand him. I don't understand how he's so... perfect.

I strive to be like him. I wish I had no problems in life. I wish I could be as carefree as Gerard. I wish The Incident had never happened. I wish I could be happy with who I am. I wish I weren't fat. I wish I weren't a failure. I wish, I wish, I wish. But I'm not. I'm not perfect like Gerard. I'm not problem-less like Gerard. I'm not carefree like Gerard. The Incident did happen. I'm not happy with who I am. I am fat. I'm a pathetic failure. My thoughts are going in circles. I can't think straight. I need to clear my mind. I need... Oh god, I need pain... I shut my eyes and try to deal with it. When I get home, I'm going to cut. I'm going to get rid of all this stress.

"Have you ever been to a parade before?"

My eyes open to see Gerard, his black hair looks darker than usual, the sunlight is gone, covered by moisture in the form of a cloud. The sparkle in his eyes is disappearing, and he's just taking me in again. Taking in my details. I pull my hoodie tighter around myself feeling slightly self-conscious before I reply, "No, have you?" That's a stupid question. Of course, he has, why else would he have cried earlier? He's been here before... right?