I'm Not Okay (I Promise) • Geetrick

45

---Patrick---

Echoes are moving through my ears and my head is pounding when I wake up. I'm alone in bed, Pete is gone, and all that's left of him is a note, sitting flatly on the mattress. It's untouched by anyone, but Pete and I can easily see it was torn out of his notebook and set where I would wake up to see it. I can remember most of what happened last night but... Pete? I remember he offered me the brownie and then... then...

He showed me the suicide notes. Right.

I squint at the letter until I can read it somewhat clearly but I'm still drained and kind of dizzy.

Hey Trick,

I don't know how long you plan on staying here but if Brendon kicks you out, you can always come to my place. My mom is never home anymore, and I'm sure she wouldn't mind. There are painkillers in the bedside drawer if you need them and water in the bathroom. If you need anything, text me. I had to go to my counselor's because of my bipolar disorder, sorry.

Text me when you wake up?

-Panda

I smile at how good of a friend he is. Hastily putting the note in my back pocket, I open the bedside drawer, shuffling through the condoms and lube to find the painkiller in the back. I pop a couple pills, put the bottle back into the drawer, pressed against the back side, and slip on my shirt before I make my way to the bathroom. I can see Spencer, Brendon, Ryan, Joe, Andy, and Hayley cleaning up the mess from last night, a few hungover people making their ways home with all their regrets from the night before.

I slip into the bathroom, it's small. It smells like vomit. It's gross, but I try not to let it get to me.

I slide the handle on the faucet over and cup the now running water to my face, quickly washing down the pills, hoping they'll take effect and make this growing headache leave soon.

I turn away, wiping my hands on the soft towel placed just by the sink, and just before I leave, I look into my reflection. I can't help but question myself for the hundredth time in the last week...

Beautiful? Am I really beautiful? Gerard told me so. Pete didn't think I was ugly. Megan never complained. They're all my best friends. They wouldn't lie... right?

I shift my bottom jaw.

A little. I'm just a little beautiful. That's all, though.

I turn away and walk back through the door, out to see Joe and Andy basically making love to each other's lips as they stumble into one of the private rooms. I raise my eyebrows slightly, but as soon as the door is shut, I continue through the hall into the main room where Spencer is leaving, and Ryan and Brendon are saying goodbye to the brunette. I feel a little out of place, to be honest, I just decided to come here because I got into a fight while everyone else around here has visited countless times. I feel like I shouldn't be here but they said it was okay so I guess I'll trust them.

Brendon turns acknowledges me with a soft nod before he kisses Ryan softly and rubs his hand.

"See you in a bit, Baby..." He whispers.

"Love you," The taller boy replies.

"Love you, too."

Ryan leaves with a small smile and makes his way down the street, his hands in his pockets and his hood up as fresh rain begins to wash away most of my regret from yesterday.

"You'll probably have to leave sometime soon," Brendon says, "I'm sure Gerard's worried..."

"Gerard can go fuck himself," I snap softly, "I'm gonna try to stay with Pete if I can, and if I can't, and there are no other options at all, then I'll go back to him. Otherwise, I'm just pissed with him, and I really don't want to talk to him right now."