I'm Not Okay (I Promise) • Geetrick

60

---Patrick---

Why is grief such a funny thing?

It makes you do things you'd never usually do. It fucks with your mind. Makes you think things you shouldn't be thinking. It's like an illness and I'm questioning everything I do. But, it's not like I do much anyway.

Grief is a stupid thing.

No matter how hard I try, I can't get him out of my mind. I'm always asking myself, "Could I have stopped it?" and, "Where did I go wrong?" and even something like, "Did I even love him?" It hurts me and I don't know where I'm supposed to go.

Grief, in the end, is always hell.

I canceled all my plans with all of my friends. All I do is lay in bed, staring at the wall and regretting everything. Regretting ever meeting Gerard. Regretting the bridge and The Black Parade and the mausoleum and the cafe and the building. I regret ever kissing him that night while the rain poured down on us. I regret ever falling in love. I regret 21 Guns. I regret agreeing to go to that stupid parade with him. I regret telling him about my past. I regret making love to him. I regret ever leaving Dad and Kevin's house for... this...

Now, I'm a heartbroken mess. I don't eat. I don't sleep. I don't speak unless I'm spoken to. I don't do anything but lay and stare at the ceiling, sleep, or write lyrics.

I've written a few songs. They've all been about Gerard. How could they not be about Gerard? I wrote them in the book Pete got me for Christmas. I also wrote down the lyrics to The World is Ugly. Gerard and I's lullaby.

When I read through the notebook now, I see all the songs I've written (I copied Coast and Alone Together and From Now On We Are Enemies from my spare papers into the notebook). The first song is Alone Together, then Coast, then From Now On We Are Enemies. After that, I wrote in I Miss You by Blink-182 when I had no inspiration. When I was feeling especially depressed, I wrote one called Golden. I really like Golden. I think it's my favorite. After Golden is Truce. I wrote what I recalled of Homecoming night. I then wrote one called The Kids Aren't Alright. Then I'm Lost Without You by Blink-182 and one day at six in the morning when I hadn't slept all night I wrote Jet Pack Blues. I ran out of ideas again and wrote the lyrics to If You Only Knew by Shinedown. And soon after Lullabye, and finally, 21 Guns.

I can't do anything else. Everything I do just reminds me of Gerard. His name upsets my stomach. It's like venom on my tongue so...

Thanks for the venom.

I want to die. I want him to wake up. The percentage went from sixty percent to fifty to forty. Pete told me not to give up hope. I'm trying not to give up hope. But it's hard when his life depends on a percentage. What's the point? Wishing for a hopeless boy to wake up from an eternal nap? I hate it. I've visited the hospital once. Otherwise, I can't bare to see his face. I kissed him. I kissed him in his goddamn sleep, and he didn't kiss back. He couldn't kiss back.

It's hopeless. Everything is hopeless. This is the business of misery. I'm the CEO. Pete keeps trying to cheer me up, he'll come over about once a week, but I almost always turn him away. I hate this. I hate how much it hurts. It's like a constant ache, and the thing is, it's not like he doesn't love me anymore: He just can't love me. It's not a typical heartbreak. This is one where he's never going to wake up, and it's not his fault. I hate that he's so close but so far away. I want him to wake up so I can see those beautiful brown eyes so I can kiss those thin lips, and he can kiss back. Coffee with a hint of sugar...

I mean... the good news is that my self-image hasn't gone down... If anything, it's getting better. I don't understand it... I guess... I suppose it's the hope that if I think I'm beautiful, Gerard might magically wake up and just like Sleeping fucking Beauty we'll live happily ever after.