I'm Not Okay (I Promise) • Geetrick

10

---Patrick---

Why it happens, I still don't know. But it still happens. And it still hurts. And it still terrifies me.

Tears are falling down my cheeks when I come around. My body still and my eyes out of focus while my mind recovers from the fuzz of the flashback. I'm back in reality. I'm completely silent. The flashback is over. And warm and salty tears are trailing down my cheeks, shaped like droplets of rain. I calm my breathing and shut my eyes, wishing it had never happened.

They've gotten easier to bare the longer I've dealt with them. I've had lots of different flashbacks but this one is the most common... And the most painful.

My phone vibrates in my hand, taking me from my thoughts. I don't even realize I'm holding it at first because my extremities are numb but I notice it when it vibrates.

Gerard: Hello?

Gerard: It's been thirty minutes I'm just gonna guess you fell asleep. So... Sleep well...

I don't bother replying. I don't want to reply. I just want to sleep and hope I wake up dead. I've heard about the afterlife but I've never really lived. If you call these last three years life, then it's better to end it. Because God clearly hates me.

And I don't even believe in him.

***

"It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right,
I hope you had the time of your life,"

My eyes are shut, one leg hanging over the bed while the other is bent and close to my chest. Billie's words calm me, I'm exhausted after everything that happened yesterday but at the same time, I'm at peace.

"So take the photographs and still-frames in your mind
Hang it on a shelf in good health and good times."

Maybe it's because I met Gerard. Maybe it's because he puts those butterflies in my stomach, they flutter around and make me smile. Maybe it's the way he smiles, a toothy grin with nothing but friendliness and unspoken words that say, "Come, talk a while. I'll listen to you." It could be the way he concentrates when he draws, biting his lip with his fingers gripping his pencil bringing soft strokes and gray lines to the paper to form beautiful works of art. Maybe it's his jet black hair that sways softly in the evening breeze or maybe it's his familiar brown eyes that crinkle when he grins. Oh god, he's just... Beautiful. That's one and only word I can use to describe him. Just beautiful.

"Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial
For what it's worth, it was worth all the while,"

It could also be because of the flashback. Maybe it's just the thought of my mother that brings these peaceful thoughts. Memories of Christmas. We never had enough money to exchange gifts. We were always really low on money but we were happy with what we did have. Dad before he was always drunk, Kevin before he became the monster he is now, Megan before she was terrified of everything, Mom before The Incident, and me before the anxiety. Like a perfect family...

I can't help but think there was something I could have done to save her. I could have told her to watch the road. I could have told her to stop. I could've warned her about the car.

But you didn't.

I didn't.

"It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right
I hope you had the time of your life."

I shut my eyes, wishing to be in paradise with Gerard and Megan and Mom and Dad and Kevin before The Incident. I wish the music would just take me away. Take me to a land without worries so we can all be happy. Where we're all safe from harm. From bad luck. From hell.