I'm Not Okay (I Promise) • Geetrick

37

---Patrick---

Young and reckless. Time seems to go by faster when you're happy. Or... happier...

I'm not happy. I'm still a mess. I'm still pathetic, but I'm starting to get better, that's what Dr. Strauss anyways. I... barely feel any better but I am a little less anxious around people, and I've found a little bit of a purpose in life. My self-esteem hasn't gotten any better yet... but that's okay. It will eventually, right?

Ever since I talked with Dad, I've felt a little calmer knowing he's getting better. Knowing he's trying. It bothers me, though... He knew about Kevin. He knew what Kevin did, and he did nothing. It makes me question if he really is a homophobe. Especially when he told me that he wanted me to be happy with Gerard. It creeps me out, though. It was incest. Everything Kevin was doing was incest. Even if he's not a homophobe, that has to cross a line. I guess it just never mattered to him. He never cared. Who would? I deserved it.

The need to cut has gotten worse and worse. I've found myself picking at my skin, desperate to have my adrenaline pumping again and have that sweet release again. Every time I've picked up the blade, though, I've always been able to put it back down and walk away. I can't break my promise to Gerard...

And... I've started thinking about Gerard in a different way. I... I think I want him... I don't know yet, and I'm still deciding, but the more I think about it, the more appealing it sounds. We've had plenty of blowjobs and handjobs, and I think I want to at least try to have... actual... y'know...

A month has passed. It's November 12th now, Saturday. It's been on my mind all fucking day, and it doesn't help that I've had a constant semi-boner all morning. I want to ask, but I keep having doubts. What if he isn't ready? What if... what if he asks if I'm a virgin and I have to tell him about what Kevin did? What if he thinks I'm disgusting when I tell him...? I feel like it was my fault that Kevin did what he did. I was the one who decided to come home that day. I was the one who he would choose over Megan and I. I'm relieved that he didn't pick Megan, I would never want him to do something like that to her, but it's still my fault that he... he raped me.

I was planning on saving myself until I was sure I was ready. I wanted to save my virginity for the one person I know I want to spend my life with. God, it sounds dumb now after what Kevin did. Why am I so fucking stupid?

I'm sitting at the dining room table now, my head down and earbuds in my ears. It seems to be my only escape right now since I don't have a blade at the moment and I can't help but let these things run through my head for what feels like the hundredth time. I want to so, so bad. What would it be like to take it slow? And actually enjoy it? What would it be like to feel him inside me...?

I shudder at the thought, and my pants begin to tighten even more. Goddammit.

Pathetic. You can't even think about him without making a fool out of yourself.

Shut up for once, please...

Nope!

Whatever...

I don't know if Gerard's too early to give up my... second virginity to. Is there such a thing?

No, you know it was your fault that he had sex with you. You ruined that forever ago, and now you have to face what you've done. You know he would immediately break up with it. God, you're such a whore. A slut. Quit putting labels to something that doesn't exist.

"You okay, Sugar?" Gerard asks, taking me from my thoughts. I pull my earbuds out, Jesus of Suburbia still playing but I don't care. I've missed most of the song anyways.

"Yea-" I cut myself off, remembering the promise I made forever ago, "No..."

He tilts his head, "What's wrong," He says, rubbing my shoulders. I feel a tear drip from my nose. Where did that come from?