I'm Not Okay (I Promise) • Geetrick

44

---Gerard---

My life just turned to shit again.

What have I done? It's Saturday morning, but it feels like September 23rd where my heart aches all day. It seems like hell. I feel like hell. This was supposed to work out. I was meant to be happy. We were meant to be happy, and I fucked it up. I screwed it up bad but what really hurts me is that he made a promise. He made a promise not to lie, and he lied. I understand, now, that the cutting might not have been avoidable but now, as I look past the railing that lines my porch, I can't help but feel pissed with him. Really, really upset and I really just want to punch him in the face.

At the same time, though, I want to die. I want to end it all because what if he never comes back? My heart hurts and if Patrick tried to leave on me, why can't I leave on him?

Gerard, don't. That's bad. That's very, very bad. He tried to leave on you because he thought you didn't love him.

Does he really love me, though? Or was he just saying that?

I...

That's what I thought, and now I don't even know where he is? Did he run out of the city? Did he try to kill himself again...?

I stand up quickly, too quickly but I don't care. I need answers, and I need them as soon as I can get them. I need to know what's happening and where he is and what he's doing. I need to know because if he did what I think he did...

I grab my phone and text him as I sit back down, I'm finding myself not to be pissed at him anymore, I just need answers I need him because I miss him, and I want him back in my arms. I want to help him heal. I want him to do everything I can to bring him back to health and make him feel alive again. I shouldn't have said what I did last night. I would be devastated. I was so lost in the moment. In my anger. I never realized how much it might actually effect him. What I was saying could actually cause him to kill himself.

Gerard: Hey are you okay? Where are you?

I wait for a moment, and I get a message back, surprisingly.

Patrick: Gerard, I love you and all, but I want to take a break for a while. I really don't want to think about you right now. What you said last night. I'm just... gonna try going out with a few other guys for a while... Just to experiment. Try not to worry, okay? I love you. I promise this isn't the end of us. I need to get away for a while. I need to stop thinking so much.

I grip my phone, my already aching heart shattering to the point that I don't know it can heal from. My eyes gaze foggy with shock because I can't even process what he just read. Instead, I sit with my teeth chattering in the cold autumn air while I regret everything I've ever done. It's like he's burned everything I love and then burned the ashes. My thoughts are entirely blank and then just like a snap of my fingers, it feels like I can't process anymore. Like a hurricane that never ends and I'm barely hanging onto the realization.

Just taking a break? From me? Am I really that bad? Is it me? Or is it you, Patrick? How long? With who? Is it going to be serious? Or is it just fucking around? Do you love someone else?

Am I not enough for you?

My breathing hitches at that thought. Am I not enough for you...? Am I really that bad...? Are you sure you still love me, Patrick? Or are you just trying not to break my already damaged heart? Is it because I didn't trust you with enough? Is it because I never gave you enough love? Are you looking for someone who you can have a better relationship with? Someone who's perfect and... not me...?

Or is it because I'm too much for you?

Am I too... over protective, clingy, too much of a showoff? Is it because I called you beautiful too much? Or I trusted you with too much? Is it because I gave you too much love? And now you want someone who doesn't love you as much as I did? Are you leaving me because you just want a few one-night stands...?

Or is it because you don't want me at all?

He promised me this isn't the end of us, but he's broken his promises now. His promises aren't reliable anymore. They're just there now. They're there to remind me that it could have worked out with him, but it fucking didn't. I hate him. I love him, but I hate him so much. I want him to disappear. I want to disappear.

I stand up, too stressed and frustrated to sit still and begin to pace about the porch, the wood squeaking under my shoes. Is it really worth it anymore? Is living really worth all this heartache? I'm afraid. I'm afraid to keep on living because I don't want to feel any more pain than I already am feeling.

Gerard: How strong are your promises?

I know he's not going to reply. I know he just won't reply because he doesn't know how to reply. He knows he's broken his promise. He knows how mad I am... He thinks he knows... I really just feel broken. I feel used... I wasn't used. He really loved me... right?

Why do you doubt yourself, Gee? Of course, he loved you. But... you know he had to leave for a reason. You were that reason.

I... I was...

Because of you, he's moved on. I bet he's found another lover by now, someone better than you. You couldn't save him when Bob attacked him, what use are you to him? You're useless.

I bite my lip and take a deep breath. I'm not doing this again. I'm not going to relapse. I'm not going to relapse. I can't relapse. I can't relapse... I told myself I wouldn't. I'm getting better. I'm nearly over Dad's death. I was getting better. I haven't cut since Patrick was in the hospital oh so long ago.

I haven't cut in a long time, and I'm not going to relapse... I can't relapse...

Come on, Gee. You know you deserve it. You deserve every bit of pain you can get. You're useless. Patrick hurt you for a reason. What would a little more pain do?

I get out of my seat on shaky legs and take a deep breath before I walk back inside... past the living room... the dining room... into the bathroom...