I'm Not Okay (I Promise) • Geetrick

36

---Patrick---

Yesterday went by too fast, and today seems to go by even faster. It's 3:52 PM. Pete still isn't here to see me, what does he want to talk about? Me? Our friendship? Maybe he's admitting his love to me.

I get that was a joke but was it really necessary? Nobody loves you, 'Trick.

I know. Who could love me? I couldn't even take it when Gerard mentioned my blowjob earlier. I should be able to. What's wrong with me? He didn't know, how could he know? More importantly, why did I snap? I shouldn't have. Not at him, at least, he didn't deserve it. He's such a sweet person and... God, I had to go and screw it up.

You screw up everything, don't you? You screwed up your mom's life, you messed up your family: Megan, Kevin, Dad, Mom. If it weren't for you, your own Mom wouldn't be dead, Kevin and Dad wouldn't be in jail, and Megan wouldn't be living with Kellin. You'd get the family you always dreamed for.

Tears are falling down my cheeks, and I try and fail to hold back a sob.

You're a fucking disappointment to the world, I can't believe you'd ever think that someone could love you. Gerard's just there to make sure you don't go off and kill yourself. You know he doesn't love you. He never has loved you, and he never will love you. You should stop talking to him and break his promises. He won't care. How could he care? You're pathetic!

I am.

Say it you little bitch.

"I'm pathetic," I whisper, "I'm broken. I'm a disappointment. I'm fat," I let out a sob as I let the words pierce my heart, "I'm ugly. I'm a cutter. I'm unlovable..." My voice cracks and my breath shudders as I whimper out the last word, "I'm disgusting."

"You're beautiful." My eyes dart up to see Gerard at the door with a bowl of rice, he looks sad, but I know it's not true. It can't be true. How could anyone love me? I shake my head from where I'm sitting, on the floor beside his bed. He walks forward, continuing his sentence and handing over the bowl of rice, "Please don't say that about yourself, I love you. I love you so much, and it hurts to see you like this. You are so beautiful and amazing and talented. I love your voice and the way you sing 21 Guns. I love how strong you are. I love how you look, you're absolutely perfect in my eyes and one day I'll prove it to you, do you understand?"

I lower my eyes, "It's not true... None of it's true..."

"Patrick, don't lie to yourself. Your self-esteem is low, but one day it's going to be so much higher. Pete's here, so I'm gonna leave you two alone for a while, okay?" He asks.

I nod softly, "Th-Thank you..."

"Anytime, Sugar."

He gets up and leaves. It's just a favor to him. He thinks he's doing me a favor lying to me, but I know the truth. I'm a mess, physically, mentally, and emotionally. I take a few pieces of rice from the bowl since Gerard said it would help settle my stomach.

The door opens again, and I see Pete at the door in a black t-shirt with his short black hair pointed straight up... kind of like Brendon but much shorter.

"Hey, 'Trick." He says with a low volume, like I'm so broken that even a loud voice could shatter me. It probably could, to be completely honest.

"Hey," I give a weak smile as he sits beside me. There's silence as I eat but after about a minute or so I hear him whisper, "I missed you..."

"I missed you, too," I say plainly. I did, didn't I?

"I... I came because I wanted to say sorry for... everything that happened three years ago." My breath hitches at even the mention of The Incident, "I'm sorry that I was so clingy and that I was constantly worried about you... I understand how annoying it can get... Especially after...." He trails off, "After I... attempted suicide..."