I'm Not Okay (I Promise) • Geetrick

53

---Gerard---

How many times will it happen? Again, more time passed. So much time has passed. Mama and Mikey were reunited and, after the truth or dare at Brendon's house, Mikey and Pete got together. I'm a little pissed, but I guess it'll be alright, I mean, it can't be that bad, right?

Patrick's anxiety is going away much faster than Dr. Strauss had predicted. He's actually healing there were a few relapses here and there, but for the most part, it's almost entirely gone. His mother's death, on the other hand, hasn't gotten much better. He still blames himself. He tries not to, but in the end, he always says it's his fault. It's his fault that they got in that crash. It's his fault that she couldn't avoid it. He blames it all on himself. He blames a lot on himself, and it hurts me because I really wish he wouldn't. None of it was his fault. He didn't wake up that morning and decide to kill his mom. He didn't know there would be a drunk driver on the road. He didn't know that her looking away for a split second would cause a fucking crash. He didn't know that any of that would happen.

Each time he retells the story, he changes it just slightly to make it sound like it was his fault. Dr. Strauss asks him why he does it, but he only replies with, "I don't know because it's true." I try to tell him, but he only says I'm lying. I said I'd never lie. He only brushed it off. As for feeling beautiful... he's getting better and better as each day passes, he's eating regularly, now and I ask him if he feels beautiful a lot. He always says just a little. A couple times, he called himself ugly, and I made love to him to try to prove him wrong. He started to believe it a little more after each time we did it.

His PTSD is getting a bit better. He still has nightmares about two or three times a week. He wakes up screaming and hurling in a ball and rocking back and forth. I always get him a sleeping pill and a pill for the PTSD. He thanks me, taking the pills and washing them down. Then, I'll cuddle up with him and wait for him to fall asleep again, singing a different song almost every night. I'm Lost Without You by Blink-182 one night, 21 Guns by Green Day another night, If You Only Knew by Shinedown, All By Myself by Green Day sometimes just to make him giggle but sometimes I'll still sing him The World is Ugly again because I made it for him.

I bury my head between his shoulder blades where his blonde hair tickles my forehead and my own black locks mix with his. We always cuddle up after a nightmare but a flashback. After a flashback, he usually tells me to go away. If I press it any further, he'll yell, and I'll be sent out of the room while he tries to gather himself. Once he does, he comes out and apologizes, usually sharing a few tears, and that's when I'll be right there for him to keep him company. It helps him, I think, Dr. Strauss said it helps, so I keep doing it.

Self-harm isn't an issue anymore. Sometimes he'll have a rubber band or a pack of ice to press to it, or he'll take overly hot showers, but otherwise, he doesn't do too much self-harm.

And then there are his 3 AM nights. He isn't woken up from a nightmare or anything, he just lays awake for a while and usually sometime in there, he'll grab a paper and begin writing. Song lyrics I think. In the mornings after, he'll accidentally leave them spread out on my desk. One was called Alone Together and just reading over it made me cry a little because it was about me. I know it was about me. Just like The World is Ugly was about him.

I don't know where you're going,
But do you got room for one more troubled soul
I don't know where I'm going,
But I don't think I'm coming home
And I said I'll check in tomorrow if I don't wake up dead
This is the road to ruin, and we're starting at the end

Let's be alone together
We could stay young forever
Scream it from the top of your lungs, lungs, lungs

You cut me off, I lost my track
It's not my fault, I'm a maniac
It's not funny anymore, not it's not