I sit at the bottom of the tub. My sobs muffled by the water cascading down my ugly body. The water mixed in with my tears. I haven't cried for what seems like forever but in reality is just a few hours ago. I promised myself I wouldn't cry at school. It happened though. I've broken that promise 3 times now this year. I'm so stupid. My mind is right. I should just die. I. Have. No. Desire. To. Live. Anymore. Its beem like this for 3 years. It gets worse every freaking day. 6th grade. Barely effected me. 7th grade. It was sort of getting to me but i could handle it. 8th grade. It got worse. I can't handle it. I turned to the blade. Took it in my hand and dragged it across my arm, watched the blood trickle down my arm. I did it for about a week when someone found out. He told me to stop. He looked up at me and i saw pain sadness concern love. I told him i would stop. Did I? No I did not. I kept on doing it. Cut after cut. He asked me a few days later if I stopped. I said yes I have stopped. I gave him a fake smile. And he seemed to not believe me but he let it slide. Of course me being the stupid person i am started complaining about the pain in my shoulders, arms,calfs, thighs. All the places I've cut. He said you haven't stopped have you. I said no i haven't im sorry. 4 months later I'm 11 days clean. Im still friends with him. But nobody can stop the thoughts and my mind from telling me how stupid and worthless and that nobody will like me much less love me. Nobody. It all leaves me questioning. Do people actually care or is it just out of sympathy.
Until next time, if there is that is.....
