Once Doesn't Mean Always (Straight Furry Story)

48: Im Sorry

21st of November,2020

Smoke

After waking up multiple times during the night, waking Cloudy as well, we get a good few hours of sleep before I wake up at 2:30AM. I'm coated in cold sweat, tear soaked fur rests under my eyes and thoughts still haunt my mind. I slowly got out of bed and look to Cloudy, my snow angel looks so peaceful in her sleep, I refuse to disturb her peace as quietly creep my way out the room and through to the kitchen.

I grab a glass from a cupboard and fill it with water from the tap, guzzling down glass after glass. After 5 minutes of guzzling down water and deep thought, I sit at the table in silence, my head facing down and resting on my paws.
I get up a few minutes later and head back to bed, resting up to take care of something important.

Later that morning

I grab my helmet and slip into my leather jacket before getting noticed
"Smoke, where are you going?" Cloudy asks as she carries out the half-awake twins. I look to her before pulling my old bike out of the garage
"sorry Cloudy, just something I have to do, I'll be back in a few hours, I promise, I say as I get on my old cruiser and start it
"Ok, just please, be home soon" she says as she approaches me and kisses my cheek before walking back inside. I bring out my phone and set up maps, putting in an address before I place an ear bud in my ear, making sure the volume is loud enough to hear directions but quiet enough to hear traffic before starting my ride.

Arriving

I arrive to a nice looking house, examining it before turning off my engine and taking off my helmet. I dismount my bike and walk my way to the front door, feeling something upon every step closer, something weird, am I actually nervous? Regretful? Scared? am I all at once? I question as I finallyThe feeling grows stronger after every step until I reach the door.

I try to swallow down the feeling and take deep breaths, pushing my arm up and knocking agains the painted wood before awaiting a response.

2 minutes pass until finally, a snow leopard opens the door, holding a small cub in her arms, a cub that's looking around the same age as Alex and Alisa, the view of this very infant breaks me down on the inside.
"Yes? Can I help you?" The mother asks, making me choke as I attempt to speak even the simplest of words
"Teagan Rossland?" I ask, The feline nods to confirm her identity. I start to feel tears build up in my eyes, my sick feeling finally gets the better of me as I start to break

"I'm sorry ... I'm so, so sorry, this is about your husband, James Rossland" I say with a cracking voice, making Teagan realise my reason for coming as she slowly changes from a blank expression to one of crippling sadness after my apology, she begins to breakdown into tears.

"Oh-oh my god" she cries, further internally breaking me down
"I *sniff* I told him going would be a bad idea, I *sniff* I feared for the future of out little girl but he-he PROMISED me" she adds as she collapses to her knees, clenching her child to her breast as the youngling looks around in confusion, almost oblivious to this all.

I finally fall apart and begin to cry a little too as I kneel down and put a paw onto her back to try and comfort her a little
"I'm sorry, he was a strong, brave man, he-he deserves to be back here, with you and your little girl" I say as my tears became more heavy. I help Teagan up before she retreats back inside, closing the door behind her, I know that I've already done enough and there isn't anything more I can do to help.

I wipe my tears with my sleeve as I turn around and head towards my bike, just sitting beside it to think for a while. After about 10 minutes, I calm myself down and check my phone to read the time, my phone's clock reads about 11:30. As I lock my phone and prepare to ride home, I notice Teagan walk out of her house and approach me

"I'm sorry about earlier, I guess you would understand what it's like to hear that sort of stuff" she says as she stops a couple steps away from me, I nod in agreement as I sit with an a blank face
"Your Smoke Greypaw, aren't you?" She asks, I look at her with some surprise before answering with a question of my own
"How did you know?" I ask
"James always spoke about you, from the moment we met to the last few letters he sent me, he was amazed by you, you inspired him, even after you punched him at school years ago" she says, I just gave a tsk, finding the information a little unbelievable
"It's true, funny how that usually happens, he said that he was jealous of how calm you always were, said nothing phased you and then, after Cloudy, he was interested in how much of a change you were after meeting that special someone, he only bullied you because he didn't understand himself at the time, he tried to think that he hated you, but what made him happy was the moment that he finally got to work with you, said that it was like being able to start over with you" she explains, surprising me a little.

I stood a little dumbstruck, finding his information a little hard to believe
"So, how did he ...?" she asks, changing the subject, I sigh before answering
"we were ambushed, he was covering me, took a few bullets before collapsing, even then, he was still fighting till the end" I say, recollecting horrible memories, making his partner nod in understanding.
"Well thank you, I guess you'll be leaving now? do you want a drink before you leave? Maybe clear your face up a little?" She generously asks but I shake my head in refusal
"Sorry, have to get back to my girlfriend and kids, don't want to worry them" I say and she understands

"how old are they?" she asks

"around your daughter's age, they're twins, boy is Alex and Alisa is my girl" I explain
"hmm, nice names, thank you again for telling me, it's ... it's hard to take, still hard to truly accept, but I guess me and Ashley will just need to try to live on" she says before I start my engine

hey, if ... if you ever want to visit us or arrange a play date between our kids, don't hesitate to come around, we'll appreciate the company, just call ahead" she offers as she hands a slip of paper with a number written on it, I take the number and say my goodbyes before pulling out my phone and opening maps again, listening to the phone's directions until I get home.