Depression Journal

My 2nd day

(Of this Journal)
(This is a photo of my self harm. Semi colon, Bracelet project (blue orange/black teal yellow) and heart project (orange blue red purple).
(The self harm that is featured in this photo was harmed the day before, so it is not as apparent as it would if I took the photo right after)
Today I had a field trip. We went to first period, but nothing significant happened. We went to second period to take attendance, then went down to the cafeteria to fix the bus situation. The bus ride was fine, but I was getting increasingly nervous as I would have to deal with doing things that gave me headaches. The chairs we were supposed to sit in were very reclined, and for some reason that made me almost have a panic attack. When the beginning presentation started, and the lights dimmed, I started crying. Afterwards, we ate lunch. All during lunch I was very aware of whenever my sleeve rolled up (never wearing this shirt to school again) because you could see my self harm. I was sort of depressed during this time, but my mind was mostly focused on trying to help my friend with an eating disorder eat her food. We played games in our extra time, and I was slowly becoming more and more depressed as the day went on. We came back during 7th period, and didn't do much, again. I was getting annoyed at my friend because I was trying to work and she kept interrupting my focus. 8th period (my most depressing class) I really wanted to punch myself. I have a stress ball in my bag which I kept squishing. I didn't focus on my work all period. 9th period I was getting less depressed but I felt like I was about to cry all period. Half of our class was gone, so that meant that we had to play louder. It was stressful. I got home, and felt very depressed. I wanted to commit suicide and self harm. I made bracelets for a while, and then decided to give in to the urges and self harm. After a while, I had to go to a class, and we talked about deep topics which made me feel depressed. I went home and self harmed again. It has started to feel like an addiction, one I can't stop.