Depression Journal

March 8

Today I woke up and it was so hard to get up. It felt like weights kept pulling me down every time I tried. At my cousins house, I walked their dogs, which was fine. Me and my cousin sat on our phones before school, and I felt very depressed. Imma rate how depressed I usually feel during the day aka hours that I am awake (5 the most depressed)
7 - 3
8 - 1
9 - 2
10 - 2
11 - 1
12 - 3
1 - 3
2 - 4
3 - 4
4 - 4
5 - 5
6 - 4
7 - 4
8 - 5
9 - 5
10 - 5
11 - 5
12 - 5
1(sometimes) - 5
At school I was more depressed than usual because my friend was sick, and I have most of my classes with her so I was annoyed. In 6th period we brought in people who talked about mental illness, and they were ok, but they still had the idea that you can always tell when people have depression, or that they will always tell you about their feelings. They mentioned that 1 in 6 people have a mental illness at some point, so we had a class of 30 people, 6 of us would have mental illness. Heyyy i guess I'm one of the six. In 8th period I really wanted to self harm, and it was very hard not to start crying. 9th period I was annoyed because I kept answering questions but no one would hear me and after a while someone would finally get the answer and the teacher would say "yes! You got it!" And I'm like "I've had the answer this whole timeeee, but I'm too anxious to talk in front of the class"

My day was ok until dinner, me and my family went out with my cousins because my uncle was in town, and I was texting my friends. It was going fine until my friend started talking about how she finally got therapy(Charlotte) and then I got depressed. All of my friends started leaving that chat and I started getting very sad and I added them back and they kept leaving. Then I got added to a new chat, which was the exact same as the old one, same people. I was confused, so I asked why I hadn't been added to that one before, no answer. I asked "why are there 2 chats?" And I got an answer. They were obviously ignoring my question. I almost started crying at dinner but I  suppressed it
I'm still about to cry, I'm writing this last paragraph in the car on the way back. I predict I'm going to go home, get to my bed, start crying, self harm, and I might almost commit suicide. Let's see if I'm right.
(One more note, I also can't stop shaking)
I was right.
I actually might commit suicide in the near future.
For some reason that's not as scary as I thought it would be.
I feel like a worthless bag of shit
My friends don't care about me enough to add me to chats
My parents don't care about me enough to notice my mental health
My siblings don't even notice me
My teachers (especially health) don't realize that my grades have dropped recently because I'm not in an ok state
No one cares about me enough
Would they care if I'm dead?