Depression Journal

Funny stories with the guy who has a crush on me

Ok so 

Story 1: I was beginning to think he had a crush on me one day when we were practicing (in a group)  in a xylophone ensemble thing and he asked me a random question and then started to copy my movements. I already knew that was a sign of him liking me because I've had guys like me and I'm weird and wanted to really know if they liked me. The day it was confirmed was in language arts one day he was talking to my friend and trying to get her to tell him who she had a crush on. He told her who he had a crush on (me) and kept asking her. She told him that if he kept asking her she would tell me. He didn't stop, so next period she told me. It was pretty funny honestly, because the whole class period they were the only ones talking, and since I was in the room they were whispering so quietly but I just heard random things from their conversation. Also at one point I'm pretty sure they moved across the room so I wouldn't hear them.

Story 2-more confirmation: So we were doing a unit on The Outsiders by S.E. Hinton, (in la because that's the only class I have with him) and we were watching the movie. He comes over beforehand and asked me what my friend told me about him. I was so nervous and just played dumb and pretended I didn't know so yeah. For the whole movie afterwards my chest hurt and it was burning, that wasn't fun, but it was fuNNY! 

Story 3: so my friends who don't know he likes me are all friends with him, and so it's pretty awkward when I'll be with them and they will just call him over or talk with him when I'm there, and I just stand there randomly. It's pretty awkward

Story 4: so I kinda hate him now because he called my friend retarded, and me and my friends are all very open about how we support people with disabilities, we have a Best Buddies at our school and most of my friends are in it. So yeah there's this whole drama happening and I just happened to be in it because I'll be talking with my friends and we will see him, I'll just say "fight, fight, fight" to them and it's funny, yeah. They almost had a fight in band one day, but I'm a cool orchestra kid so I wasn't there to witness that. They ignored each other for a week and now they are fine I guess. I'm still annoyed at him though

Story 5: my closest friend (not close enough for me to open up thoughhhhh) finds the idea of people having crushes hilarious, and wants to know everyone's crush so she can blackmail them (not really) but so whenever she can she brings him up in the conversation and looks at me like I will have a reaction, like, um, hellooo im aromantic I don't have crushes on people. Just today she causally brought up his isntagram into our group chat, and was like "why is his nickname this? It's his instagram!?" And then looked at me (im in Florida with her) and it's pretty funny.

Sorry if somehow you find this and realize it's about you. You might have been really obvious or I might just be very observant, but I don't like you. You can continue to like me, that's fine, but just understand that seeing you and talking to you makes me nervous because I don't want to hurt your feelings if I have to reject you. That's why it might seem like I'm avoiding you. 

But I've had one guy who liked me, who I was friends with and I was very confused when people told me he liked me, he moved away. A popular guy like(s?)d me and it was pretty obvious, he avoids me now but that's fine I went to school with him for 8 years and I've never said a word to him. Now there's this guy, and maybe another? I dunno this other guy stares at me a lot.

Fun story in 2nd grade I had 2 friends who obviously liked each other but didn't talk to each other about it it was cute, but I was with the girl one day and she pressured me into thinking I had to have a crush, and so I faked a crush on (ok this is dumb but I was 8) the guy who I was in advanced classes with. That's fine, but he was THE ONLY PERSON IN MY CLASS OF 30 KIDS that went with me to the advanced classes. She told him, he avoided me for 5 years, now I only talk to him because we have math together (look at that it's an advanced class) 

I feel like when I mention I'm in advanced classes people think, "well why are you depressed then? I'm in all the lower classes and I'm not depressed?" Well guess what it doesn't work that way. I'm one of the worst in my classes, I'm just hovering above the average line. I'm horrible at anything active except running. Yep, running. I'm not even good at that. I did cross country for a month and a half and I was one of the worst, but it was fun I guess. I can't sport. 

Umm my friend just texted "I'm so done with life" and I'm concerned because I feel the same way but I'm so awkward I don't know how to respond to that this happens a lot with friends they will just say something depressing and I relate to it so much and don't know what to say. Ughhh I'm hopeless.