Depression Journal

This is my day.

Today I woke up exhausted, and depressed. The only thing I could be enthusiastic for was a before school activity I love. I got to my first class, and it went well. My second class, was boring and made me want to die. 3rd period, I was still annoyed and agitated from 2nd. During fourth period, which is usually one of my best classes, we got our tests back and most of the class got a higher grade than me. It made me want to die (even more) and cry and punch everything. During lunch I was about to cry all period from stress of going to my newest class and we got kicked out of our lunch spot. My newest class, 6th period, I sat there and learned we were going to learn about mental health. Great. (When I hear about mental health, it annoys me because people just say "oh yeah depression is where you almost kill yourself and cry a lot") 7th period (oops I can't remember what we did) but I remember I was really starting to feel the urge of self harm. 8th period is my most depressing class. My friend who also has depression, but doesn't know I do is in that class. She spends most of the class period talking about depression and her problems and that just makes me anxious and even more depressed. 9th period was my most anxious class. I have really bad performance anxiety, and my friends all wanted to practice in front of the whole class, so the whole class period I was about to have a panic attack. (but I didn't) To add one more thing to that, my friend who really likes attention (she says things similar to "ughhhhhh my parents are so horrible they never let me do anythingggg" even though her parents always let her do everything and take her out of school for minor reasons) came up to me and said "you just like the attention." Because I just said "I'm so glad I got a new second period class because I hated my old one" I almost cried in class.
Rant time
Ok so you say that I just want the attention, well lemme tell you, I don't. If I wanted attention, I would have told you long ago that I was depressed, had anxiety, suicidal thoughts, and I self harm. You think I do everything for attention? Yes? Well no, I say things about my life like that because telling you about MY REAL PROBLEMS gives me anxiety, so I compromised with myself to tell you little things, so I wouldn't kill myself, because if I didn't say anything about my problems and was all alone in my suffering, I would have already committed suicide. The only thing keeping me from that is one of my OTHER FRIENDS WITH DEPRESSION who would kill herself if I died.
(That's what I would have said to her if I wasn't a nervous wreck)
I ran home and cried, self harmed, and contemplated suicide for the rest of the day.