Lockjaw (Joshler)

1. Mistakes

***Trigger warning for graphic mentions of violent death, a house fire, mentions of panic attacks, and minor self harm.***
Start the song. It's Lockjaw by Mothers.

Most people waited until they were at least an adult to make the biggest mistake of their lives. They'd do something that was kind of excusable too, like cheat on their spouse or drive after a couple too many beers and hit a tree. That was human nature, right? You grow up doing sorta dumb things, become an adult, do your absolute worst, and then grow from it. Right? That's how it works.

That wasn't how it worked for Josh though. Josh was thirteen when he made the biggest mistake of his life, and it wasn't excusable by any means. In fact, he didn't even know which part of what had happened was his biggest mistake.

Maybe it was deciding in the first place that it would be a good idea to burn down the abandoned house downtown. He hadn't thought it would be a big deal. He set fires all the time as a kid. It was soothing to him. The fires kept getting bigger and bigger as the relief started to ebb away, so he'd thought burning something big would make it better. He'd poured gasoline stolen from his dad's garage all around the foundation of the building before tossing a few matches on top. Watching the fire erupt had been the most incredible thing he'd ever seen. He'd thought nothing would ever take away the satisfaction of watching the fire climb up the walls of the building.

Then the screaming had started. Maybe that was his biggest mistake-not checking to see if anyone was inside the building before he poured that gasoline. It had been abandoned though, so he'd thought it was safe. He'd never been more wrong. Still, he wasn't sure if that was his biggest mistake either.

Maybe his biggest mistake was freezing up at the sound of the screams, staring at the building in fear and fascination instead of doing anything to save the people trapped inside. He'd been standing frozen on the sidewalk outside the smouldering house as people tried to break windows and escape the burning building that was being eaten alive by the flames he'd created. None of them made it out.

The older Josh got, rotting away in a juvenile detention center before being transferred to an actual prison at eighteen, the more he thought that none of those were his biggest mistake. Although he'd never be able to forget the sounds of their agonized screams or the smell of their burning flesh, there was one thing he regretted even more than what he'd done to end the lives of six homeless people while he was still wearing a sweatshirt with his middle school mascot on the front of it.

The older Josh got, the more he regretted not having dropped the matches and run before the police showed up. He regretted that more than the knowledge that he was responsible for the burning building collapsing in on six innocent people.

Josh had been too young and too scared and too confused when he'd sat through police interrogations, gone before a judge, received what would likely turn out to be a life sentence with no bail, and learned he couldn't even have his case reassessed until he was twenty-one. He was lucky they'd given him that tiny piece of leniency since he was just a stupid thirteen-year-old with a handful of matches and a curiosity about fire. Most people who were charged with first degree aggravated arson and six counts of involuntary manslaughter in Ohio would be charged with 76 years in prison, but Josh had a chance to get out after only eight years.

Growing up in the environment Josh had was rough, and he knew he'd turned out different because of it. Whenever his family visited him, they seemed uncomfortable, like they were afraid of him. His two youngest siblings had stopped coming when he was sixteen. His other sister stopped when he was moved into an actual prison. His parents visited infrequently and barely said a word when they did. He didn't blame them.