Lockjaw (Joshler)

6. Watch

Start the song. It's The Drowning by Peacock Affect.
***Trigger warnings for suicidal thoughts and a semi-graphic description of the suicide mentioned in the last chapter.***

Josh felt hollowed out as Hoppus sat him down in a chair in Debby's office before explaining to her that Josh had communicated some suicidal thoughts and that Hoppus hadn't been able to calm him down. Josh thought it was weird that Hoppus phrased it that way. Josh was completely calm. He was sitting completely still in his chair, staring numbly at his cuffed hands. He was calm. He was okay. He just knew that the best thing he could do to improve his situation would be to die and leave it behind.

His thoughts were racing despite how calm his body was right now. He thought about waking up in the bottom bunk at a juvenile detention center to the sight of a dripping wrist hanging over the edge of the bunk above his. He'd been calm then too. He'd stared numbly at the bloodied wrist until a guard had come to let them out for breakfast. The guard had called for backup before trying to help Josh out of his bed as if his legs were supposed to have suddenly stopped working. Josh had stumbled after the guard more out of confusion than anything else as he was pulled out of the cell without handcuffs.

Josh had been put into a different cell with some fat Mexican kid who hadn't even committed a violent crime. The kid had been terrified of Josh from the moment he'd realized who Josh was. The kid had cried, pleading with the guards to put Josh somewhere else. Josh had been in the top bunk that time. He'd been kind of glad. If the fat guy killed himself, Josh wouldn't get blood on his sheets. The fat guy didn't kill himself though, and he only had to share a cell with Josh for a month before he got to go home.

There wasn't a single one of Josh's old cell mates that he could remember the names of except for the guy he'd been forced to share a cell with for one month in this prison before being put into solitary. It was hard to forget the name of the man who beat you within an inch of your life. Josh had been eighteen then. He'd been eighteen when he'd broken four ribs, his left arm, his nose, his right cheekbone, sprained his right wrist, chipped one of his front teeth, gotten a severe concussion, and had been unconscious for three days; he'd never forget the guy who did that.

Josh hadn't realized he'd zoned out until he felt a hand take his gently. His breath caught in his chest as he looked up and met Debby's eyes. She smiled sadly at him.

"Hey, Josh. What's going through your head right now?" She asked softly.

Josh simply shrugged, looking down at his lap. He'd been on suicide watch dozens of times both in prison and in juvie. He knew that they'd lock him up for observation whether he talked or not. It wasn't worth it to let anyone in right now. They didn't want to help him get better. They just wanted to put him somewhere where he wouldn't hurt one of them or kill himself-something the prison would be held accountable for. He wasn't worth the paper work. He knew that.

One of the guards in juvie had told him that the first time he'd been put on suicide watch. The man had looked fifteen year old Josh in the eye and said, "Look, kid. I don't give a shit if you live or die, but if you decide to be a little bitch and kill yourself, I have to do the paperwork. Your life isn't worth the paperwork. Off yourself if you want, but don't you fucking dare do it in my facility where I'm liable. You got that?"

"Was he unresponsive in his cell too?" Debby asked Officer Hoppus, and Josh was surprised to find that she wasn't sitting across from him anymore. He must have spaced out again.

"No. He was talking before," Hoppus replied, glancing nervously at Josh.

Debby nodded, writing something down on her clipboard. "This is exactly why non-violent inmates shouldn't be in solitary. This is inhumane," Debby mumbled as she dug through the papers on her desk before pulling out a form.