Lockjaw (Joshler)

49. Oatmeal

***Trigger warnings for mentions of suicidal thoughts, mentions of the riot and the death of the blue eyed man, and coping with abandonment issues in general.***

Start the song. It's clementine by Halsey.

Tyler beat Skye to the prison despite being informed that Josh was on suicide watch only a few hours after having left the prison before. Josh hadn't really prepared himself to see Tyler. He'd really only expected to see Skye today, and he'd assumed that Skye wasn't going to judge him for being an absolute disaster since she was his mom, so he hadn't really tried to hide the fact that he'd been hysterical during nearly every waking moment since the door had been closed between him and his family.

But of course, there was nothing but love and forgiveness behind Tyler's expression when he pulled Josh into a tight hug and told him gently over and over again, "I've got you. It's okay. I love you. I'm here for you."

Surprisingly, Josh didn't cry this time. He just buried his face against Tyler's chest and closed his eyes, letting Tyler hold him together so he didn't have to worry about doing that all by himself for a little while. It was the first time he'd been able to breathe since his mom had irreparably damaged his ability to feel anything but broken. Everything hurt a little bit less now that Tyler was here though, so Josh allowed himself to be completely swallowed up by the comfort Tyler was offering him.

Josh shifted to bury his face against the crook of Tyler's neck when he felt Tyler's fingers begin to soothe through his hair. His body and mind were slowly starting to relax as he allowed Tyler to continue to help him ground himself without forcing him to speak. It was helping, and Josh was starting feel less panicked. He had no idea how Tyler always managed to do this so quickly, but he was beyond grateful.

It was only with the help of Tyler's soothing touch that Josh was able to tell him weakly but without stuttering, "I never wanted to hurt anybody."

Tyler hummed, a warm sound that only made Josh's muscles relax more. "I know, sweetheart. I know. You would never hurt anyone on purpose. I know that," Tyler reassured him effortlessly, finally making Josh's eyes fill with tears once again. "You're a good person. You're an extraordinary person, and I'm so proud of you."

Josh held on tightly to the back of Tyler's shirt as he allowed those words to settle in and fill the cracks in his armour instead of shoving them away like he usually did. Tyler loved him unconditionally like Hoppus did, right? Josh didn't have to be worried about him changing his mind. He was safe with Tyler. He would be okay.

"My mom brought my brother and my sisters in today," Josh told Tyler quietly, feeling extremely grateful when Tyler's first reaction to those words was to soothe his fingers through Josh's hair again. "I don't think I ever want her to come back."

Tyler didn't respond right away, but his touch remained constant, letting Josh know his support wasn't wavering at all while he was considering that. "Does it feel different than the other bad visits?" He asked carefully.

Josh nodded, remaining tucked away in the crook of Tyler's neck as he did so. "I don't think anything I do is ever going to be enough to make her feel like I deserve a second chance," he explained quietly. "I don't feel like I can ever be a better person with her around either."

"Well," Tyler stated, "whatever you feel is going to give you the best chance at being happy and having a good life, I'll back you up."

Josh definitely wanted to cry now, but he forced himself not to. There was one more thing he needed to tell Tyler-that he only felt safe talking to Tyler about. "My mom thinks it's my fault that guy got killed in the riot. She asked me how many people I'm gonna kill before I'm gonna realize I'm not the victim. I know I'm not the victim though. I-"